* How do you define optimism? A banker who irons five shirts on a Sunday.

• "It's worse than a divorce. I've lost half my net worth and I still have a wife."

• What's the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza? The pizza can feed a family of four.

• An elderly lady receives an email from the son of a deceased African general, asking to transfer millions of pounds into her account for a 20 per cent cut. All the son needs is her sort code and account number. She emails back the details. A couple of minutes later she receives an email back from the general's son: "icesave? What is this, some sort of scam?"

• Why didn't the little boy get any pocket money? 'Cos his mum's gone to Iceland.

• If you had purchased $1,000 of Nortel stock a year ago, it would now be worth $49.
  

With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1,000.
With WorldCom, you would have less than $5 left.
if you had bought $1,000 of Delta Airlines stock you'd have $49 left.
With United Airlines, you would have nothing left.
But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank it and then turned in the cans for recycling, you would have $214. The best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. it is called the 401-Keg Plan.