How do you mourn someone? Let alone people you've never met? Why would you? Transgender Day of Remembrance is not a once-a-year deal. You don't show up for services, murmur "lest we forget" and then promptly forget for the rest of the year. Today lives within us, because we cannot afford to forget. Still. Today most of all, we remember those who were killed. Because we die violently, unmemorialised, and are mocked after our deaths. Because the world sees us disposable, less than human (and who can mourn that?). Many of the dead lost their lives because they were trans women of colour, doubly disposable. [....] And yes, today we remember those of us still living-our fear, the fear that lives at the heart of every trans person, that someone will know that we are trans, and will kill us for it. Today we remember all the other times we murmured "oh fuck" as we read the news. Today we discover the deaths we missed, because we couldn't bear hearing about them anymore for awhile, even though we must. We must. Sometimes we forget ourselves, you know. Sometimes we think that if we look like cissexuals, pass like them (are passed like them), that they must accept us. And we forget that it is only the fact that they have assumed we have the same gender history as them that keeps them from hating us. We do not live fake lives. We do not live as nicknames, as aka. We live hard, we love hard-we have to. And we deserve to be mourned.
Transgender Day of Remembrance is not a once-a-year deal. You don't show up for services, murmur "lest we forget" and then promptly forget for the rest of the year. Today lives within us, because we cannot afford to forget.
Still. Today most of all, we remember those who were killed. Because we die violently, unmemorialised, and are mocked after our deaths.
Because the world sees us disposable, less than human (and who can mourn that?). Many of the dead lost their lives because they were trans women of colour, doubly disposable.
[....]
And yes, today we remember those of us still living-our fear, the fear that lives at the heart of every trans person, that someone will know that we are trans, and will kill us for it. Today we remember all the other times we murmured "oh fuck" as we read the news. Today we discover the deaths we missed, because we couldn't bear hearing about them anymore for awhile, even though we must. We must.
Sometimes we forget ourselves, you know. Sometimes we think that if we look like cissexuals, pass like them (are passed like them), that they must accept us. And we forget that it is only the fact that they have assumed we have the same gender history as them that keeps them from hating us.
We do not live fake lives. We do not live as nicknames, as aka. We live hard, we love hard-we have to. And we deserve to be mourned.
Those lines "the fear that lives at the heart of every trans person, that someone will know that we are trans, and will kill us for it. Today we remember all the other times we murmured "oh fuck" as we read the news." resonate heavily for me. Yes, I've been very fortunate; even when I really didn't pass at all, nothing really bad happened to me, I never really felt I was in danger of physical harm...ever.
Yes, in some senses, my bad luck to be large, very well built and pretty much guy shaped does make it hard for me to pass without a large slice of kindness and sympathy from strangers. I pass a glance, but little more. Stealth and any invisibility of womanhood I might crave are unattainable.
But it is also a good fortune a lot of other TG people do not have in that I'm not an easy target. So, I have a certain luxury others do not share. But I never forget I am vulnerable to an unfathomable hatred from men whom I terrify beyond reason simply because I exist. keep to the Fen Causeway
Could you please answer my other post? I'm interested to know more about the case, since that's not what I read. "Few can believe that suffering, especially by others, is in vain. - Galbraith"
On passing : In large part from a simple lack of self-confidence, but also to an extent from fear of accusations of deceptin and misleading, I tend to be very "out" about my status. All through my transition period I read tales on the web of trans people suffering rejection or of being killed by people who were enraged to discover that the "woman" they'd known for a while and maybe even slept with, had been born a man.
So quite early on I became determined that I would never allow myself to be accused of deceiving anyone. So people get to find out if I know them for any length of time, I make sure of it. I don't do it to make myself seem interesting or exotic and some such bs, I do it for self-protection. Out of fear.
That said, I prefer not to be out to casual acquaintances and strongly resent being outed by friends, for whatever reason.
So I never really think about passing cos it's not vital to my self-identity. I know it is for others and have recently taken part in strangely fevered and to me slightly baffling discussions about the subject. But my issues were not about my social acceptance, I just wanted the pain in my head to stop. When that happened everything else that followed has been a plus, but not vital. I understand that others feel differently. keep to the Fen Causeway
My problem re your statements, is that maybe I am doing you an injustice. For me, it is no different than telling my sister that someone is a vegan, allergic to cats, or is a poor time keeper and may show up late. These are not judgements, but practicalities.
You have to admit that it might be an unusual situation, which can challenge many people's perceptions, if caught unaware. Not because there is anything 'wrong', but because it is a 'novelty' about which people need to rethink their reactions. I am an idiot, I know. I'm trying to be honest. You can't be me, I'm taken
In hindsight I remember other times where I've been outed but not minded. It's on a case by case basis. On ET I don't really think of it cos it's something I talk about a lot (possibly too much, I dunno) so I'd just assume an ET thing about it. I'm not entirely consistent about anything, least of all this so tell them if you think it would avoid any issues or even, god forbid, stimulate conversation.
'sfunny, while I can understand the curiosity of others, being trans is just my mundane day to day and utterly unremarkable. A part of me hates the idea that I'm an object of curiosity, a circus show freak, yet another part of me loves talking about me and my life (the autobiography impulse I guess) and enjoy the opportunity to normalise trans-ness just a bit. Heck, I've given a speech in a school to a bunch of kids, so I'm hardly being discreet.
Lives are messy andthey aren't all lived in one part of your head and many of the various parts disagree and squabble lots. Personality is just the cartoon dust cloud that arises with fists and feet poking out at odd angles. consistency ? Dream on. keep to the Fen Causeway
