JK Rowling was denied the US's highest civilian honour because members of the Bush administration believed Harry Potter "encouraged witchcraft", a new book claims.

Matt Latimer, a former speech writer for George W Bush, states in 'Speechless: Tales of a White House Survivor' that White House officials objected to the author's perceived promotion of sorcery in the series.

As a result her name was not included amongst those receiving the Presidential Medal of Freedom, it is alleged.

The award acknowledges contributions to US national interest, world peace or cultural endeavours.

The Cirque de Soleil's founder blasted off today to claim the title of first clown in space.

Guy Laliberte, who owns the planet's dominant circus brand, took his show deeper into the galaxy wearing a big red nose and singing a pop song.

The Soyuz capsule took off from Kazakhstan towards the International Space Station carrying the Canadian business-clown who was accompanied by Jeffrey Williams, an American astronaut, and Maxim Surayev, a Russian cosmonaut.

The spacecraft successfully shed its rocket stages and entered orbit minutes after blasting off from the Baikonur launch facility as friends and family on the ground broke into a rendition of Elton John's Rocket Man. Laliberte's presence on the mission relaxed the serious atmosphere usually seen as preparations are made for a rocket launch.

I admit it: I'm a bigot. A hopeless bigot at that: I know my particular prejudice is absurd, but I just can't control it. It's Apple. I don't like Apple products. And the better-designed and more ubiquitous they become, the more I dislike them. I blame the customers. Awful people. Awful. Stop showing me your iPhone. Stop stroking your Macbook. Stop telling me to get one.

Seriously, stop it. I don't care if Mac stuff is better. I don't care if Mac stuff is cool. I don't care if every Mac product comes equipped a magic button on the side that causes it to piddle gold coins and resurrect the dead and make holographic unicorns dance inside your head. I'm not buying one, so shut up and go home. Go back to your house. I know, you've got an iHouse. The walls are brushed aluminum. There's a glowing Apple logo on the roof. And you love it there. You absolute MONSTER.

Of course, it's safe to assume Mac products are indeed as brilliant as their owners make out. Why else would they spend so much time trying to convert non-believers? They're not getting paid. They simply want to spread their happiness, like religious crusaders.

Consequently, nothing pleases them more than watching a PC owner struggle with a slab of non-Mac machinery. It validates their spiritual choice. Recently I sat in a room trying to write something on a Sony Vaio PC laptop which seemed to be running a special slow-motion edition of Windows Vista specifically designed to infuriate human beings as much as possible. Trying to get it to do anything was like issuing instructions to a depressed employee over a sluggish satellite feed. When I clicked on an application it spent a small eternity contemplating the philosophical implications of opening it, begrudgingly complying with my request several months later. It drove me up the wall. I called it a bastard and worse. At one point I punched a table.

This drew the attention of two nearby Mac owners. They hovered over and stood beside me, like placid monks.

"Ah: the delights of Vista," said one.

"It really is time you got a Mac," said the other.

"They're just better," sang monk number one.

"You won't regret it," whispered the second.

I scowled and returned to my infernal machine, like a dishevelled park-bench boozer shrugging away two pious AA recruiters by pulling a grubby, dented hip flask from his pocket and pointedly taking an extra deep swig. Leave me alone, I thought. I don't care if you're right. I just want you to die.

I know Windows is awful. Everyone knows Windows is awful. Windows is like the faint smell of piss in a subway: it's there, and there's nothing you can do about it.