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Suggestions:

  1.  Need a 'hook' in the first sentence of the first paragraph such as "To reach a real/moral/working/{whatever} solution to the Irish debt crises ...." or something like that.  

  2.  Delete every qualifying adjectival phrase and if you MUST - replace them with a single adjective.  

  3.  Delete every own goal' such as "it is my impression ..." & all that.  You're the expert.  You're the person who knows what should be done.  Write from that stance.  

  4.  Just say what you want to say.  Use straight forward word order:

You wrote:
Second, on general negotiation strategy for sovereign defaults, it's actually fairly simple.

My re-write:

Second, there is a simple negotiation strategy for sovereign defaults.  

  1.  Delete the jocularity such as "kinda/sorta."  

  2.  Take a hard look at prepositional phrases: "Repeal of the misnamed Growth and Stability Pact" s/b "Repeal the misnamed Growth and Stability Pact."  (This is one tactic to move from Passive to Active voice.)

  3.  Cut, Cut, Cut.  Get to the point.  Say what you want to say:

Repeal of the prohibition on direct ECB purchase of sovereign bonds, and a mandate to purchase sovereign bonds at a price no less than [the one corresponding to] the Frankfurt overnight rate plus some politically fixed acceptable yield curve (the precise shape of which is beyond the scope of this missive).

Off the top of my head:

Negotiate to have the ECB directly purchase sovereign bonds.  Fight for these purchases be at the Frankfurt overnight rate.  

(not quite there but a lot closer, IMHO.)

  1.  Move the PS to the body of the text but DO NOT make it the last paragraph.  The last paragraph should be up-beat.  

  2.  Personalize.  "The narrow self-interest objective ..." s/b "Your narrow ..."

  3.  I see why you put this in but I'll suggest re-writing that section so it can be deleted.  Yes, that is a potential outcome.  And, yes, you're undercutting the message by including it.

c) You cannot even save all the people you really want to save. Then you're screwed, if you'll pardon my French. You will be coming hat in hand to other countries.

Never, ever, give an opponent a chance to attack using your own words.  If you keep this in it WILL be quoted and used against you! ..."Even JakeS admits blah, blah, blah"

Skepticism is the first step on the road to truth. -- Denis Diderot

by ATinNM on Fri Feb 4th, 2011 at 06:08:34 PM EST
you've done this before...

Index of Frank's Diaries
by Frank Schnittger (mail Frankschnittger at hot male dotty communists) on Fri Feb 4th, 2011 at 08:07:47 PM EST
[ Parent ]
Yup.

Skepticism is the first step on the road to truth. -- Denis Diderot
by ATinNM on Fri Feb 4th, 2011 at 11:13:18 PM EST
[ Parent ]

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