Female Frontpagers. Actually, we want to keep imbalanced male to female ratio. No. We want to take it further and require all front pagers to be men.  Yes.  Because FPing is hard work and we have enough to do, thank you very much.  But (here's the demand), we get to dictate to you.  Be our administrative assistants, if you will.

All Russia Love fest all the Time. That's right.  You think we can't see right through those, "I hate to bring up Putin" remarks for the anti-Russkie propaganda they are?  From here on out, Putin is the best leader in the world and no criticism of Russia, even veiled in flattery, will be tolerated.  Environmental atrocities?  Gangland murders?  Orphans?  NGOs?  Kasparov?  Blackmail?  Iran?  Oil?  Nyet!  Everything in Russia is vsyo ravno, my friends, and anyone who says otherwise will have to answer to ...  LANA.  

Attractive Men. The bureaucrats sit in their caves and regret there are not more female members & whatever can be done to change this sad fact?  Well, sorry, even if you yourselves are hot, posting graphs of CEO incomes isn't going to do the trick, mes amis.  We already only make 75 cents to the dollar.  We don't need your graphs to know it is fucked up, ok?  Weekly postings about Misha must resume and more items in general about men -with pictures- we actually like might help.  There must be some handsome do-gooding men out there.  There must.  (There must...)  You can complain about how sexist this demand is, but the alternative is to write many more diaries about the political and socio-economic issues facing the women of the world. ... That's what I thought.

The Pancake. We've agreed to a compromise:  No maple syrup.  No lemon.  The official ET pancake will be Blueberry.  There's no further discussion of the matter.  Next.

America Bashing. Ya know what?  We don't even care anymore.  Your countries are turning out to be every bit as crummy as ours.  Sticks and stones.  But we still reserve the right to invade your country on the ground that we just don't like you (and you have some things we want, like healthcare).  So it's in your best interest to be nice to us.  Cuz we won't bother to go to the Security Council.  Your votes mean nothing.  Nothing!  And you really don't want us to invade you.  When was the last time a European country defeated America?  Now, when was the last time America defeated a European country?  Sleep on it.  Or siesta on it, or whatever it is you Euros do when the rest of the world is laboring in the midday sun...  

Nutella. It must be granted honorary "chocolate" status.  Cocoa is a key ingredient in all Nutella made outside the UK.  I think that says more about the UK than Nutella.

(Also, you can put Nutella on your pancakes in lieu of peanut butter.  If you are into that kinda thing.  Perv.)

Congresses.  The next meetup must be held in Chicago.  It's ok for Americans to think Europe is hip, but kinda sad for Europeans to do so.  I mean, everyone knows that real radical anarchist progressive types only go on extreme adventure vacations to scary formerly despotic regions.  Central America, Former Soviet Union, Cambodia.  America is the new Cambodia!  Come admire the vestitiges of a once great civilization and wax poetic on how nice everyone is, considering all they've been through.  First week of August.  Attendance is obyazatel'no!

Ok, there will be more demands to come.    Something along the order of lovely things brought back from Paris for us.  "My ousted government went to Paris and all I got was this framed Erte print, 2 eclairs and a case of Bordeaux" type of thing.  

Now.

I must now go.  Counter-revolutionaries are on my trail.  Like the Messiah, I will promise to return.  Like the Messiah, I may not return anyway.  Who knows?  We'll see.  But like the Messiah you have to do everything I tell you to do even if I don't come back ever.  Just in case I do come back.  And find out what you've done.  And rip out your souls.  Even though I am really a peacenik, I swear.  It's complicated.  Don't ask.

Man the Barracks!  Viva la Revolucion!  The tyranny of the gnomes is dead!  Long live the tyranny of the gnomes!

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