-  MEMO:
Attn.: Jesus, God, any church-residing entity I can't see but am expected to share some unfounded beliefs with or something.

This diary is NOT FOR YOU.  GO HOME.  Seriously.  I'm so ferociously sick and bored with you in my life!  Even if you are like the greatest thing that ever happened to mankind and all you really want to do is save my soul, or bring me into a warm caring non-judgemental and otherwise inauthentic community, I'm still asking you to leave.  It can't always be about you.  No it can't.  How can I ever become a good person if I you won't bloody leave me alone long enough for me to think rationally so I can make responsible choices?!  You are suffocating me!  I need my space.  I've no tolerance left.  Get out of my life and my diary.  Like Ivan said, I'm returning you the ticket.  Now take that ticket and get on one of those environmentally friendly, frighteningly clean high-speed Euro-trains and leave this place.  And take the Brits and their wretched idiomatic slang with you, please.  You all can have a British non-church church service in the diner car.  But not here.  THIS DIARY IS A CHURCH FREE ZONE.

Violators will be prosecuted.  (Did I mention I've gone up a few points on the Autocratic axis of the Political Compass?)  If you want to go to church, there are many, many, in Europe to choose from.  I know this because Rick Steves has shown Americans every last one of them.  So grab a copy of "Europe through the backdoor" and get going.  Shoo.  Leave.

-  (another) MEMO:
Attn.: Gnomery.

Nosemonkey: The EU Blog Directory: The Big Boys:

European Tribune

- A European off-shoot of big liberal US blogs The Daily Kos and The Booman Tribune, the real benefit is in the community - as shown via the "Diaries", miniature blogs by the site's regular users that contain numerous gems. Sadly, though, the Diary section doesn't have its own RSS feed.

I would do anything for an odds & ends feed...
by nanne (zwaerdenmaecker@gmail.com) on Fri Mar 7th, 2008 at 09:19:13 PM EDT

You're only hurting yourselves, little gnomekins...

-  Forget all the things I said in my last diary about Russian men.  

That was totally unfair.  I don't know what I was thinking.  I must have been disoriented by the glare reflecting off Dima's a bit too snug jacket.  There is still a chance they will kill me before cigarettes do, of course.  (Wow.  Just wow.)  But that was really insensitive to write an entire demographic off like that.  Especially those who fall into the "charming fellow from Siberia who lives in Paris and thinks I'm awesome but maybe crazy" category.  Apologies all around.  I'm just a sensitive soul.  And horribly impatient.  Who am I to tell Putin to break the law and remain President?  I am the person who goes on the offensive when Americans try to tell Russians how to run their country!  I'm such a hypocrite.

Oh, and speaking of my favorite demographic, someone who knows someone who knows someone who once worked for Gazprom says Misha's going to be let out of jail soon!  You'd think I'd be thrilled, right?  No.  Much safer to obsess over scary oligarch who is behind bars.  Now I understand how Putin feels: after some of the things I've said and done in the last few years, maybe it's best to keep him locked up for a while.  For my own safety.  Plus the folks over at Robert Amsterdam's blog are pretty cynical about any impending pardon.  (Rumours of which appear to have been spawned by an elusive answer Putin gave Merkel on the topic at a recent meeting.  Seems Merkel's pretty hot for Misha too, always goading Putin to set him free...)  Well, you'd think his lawyer would know about these things.  But then again, it's not clear they've a good track record at guessing Putin's secret mysterious conniving plans.  Anyway.  Posmotrim...  

Raphaël.  Kinda cute, huh?

Lastly on this topic - handsome Russian fellows-, check it out: that adorable French popstar, Raphaël, of whom I am (secretly, shhh) a fan:  He's Russian.  Who knew?  And do you remember the film I (was probably edited out of) found myself in the middle of last year?  The one with Angelina Jolie?  The director was ... Russian. The same guy  who directed "Night Watch," for all you fans.  That's right.  I was right in the middle of one of his shoots.  How jealous are you!?  Anyway, there are CIA agents traipsing around all over the planet wishing they had my uncanny ability to spot, attract, find themselves in the movies of russkie muzhchiny...

-  Joyeux Anniversaire, Jérôme!  

For your birthday, I am (well, actually, I'm writing this damn diary is what I'm doing) admitting that you are correct: Nutella is NOT chocolate.  I had to resign myself to this fact last night after a desperate search through the cabinets for chocolate turned up only a jar of the gloppy hazelnut spread.  It was a messy, sugary disappointment.  If being 37 is making you depressed, I think you should send me some chocolate.  It might not ease your depression, but it will make me happy.  And then everyone here will thank you - because apparently people get really annoyed when I'm unhappy with something.  Ooh. You could send chocolate pie... mmm...  pie...

2.  Serious-ish political stuff you can skip if you are just here for the laughs.

Multiple sources in the Russia-Expert-o-Sphere (a.k.a. my g-mail inbox) have been breaking this news to me.  Yes, I have sources.  How would you know if I didn't?  I've always wondered that.  Like, if you read a book, by, say, Peter Baker, you'll find half of it consists of citations like "Source close to Putin, wishes to remain anonymous."  How do I know he's not just making it up?  I could make outlandish accusations and cite unverifiable sources and get a book deal too, probably.  But that would mean selling out to the Man.  Anyway, my sources tell me "here's the dirt:"  Russia will become a 2 party system, with the currently ruling United Russia party headed by Medvedev and the Just(or Fair - yeah, I know they told you Russians don't have a word for that when you were a kid) Russia party, the opposition party, headed by Putin.  

I know - you are just beside yourselves with all of this insidery knowledge.

This is what people in the Russia-Expert-o-Sphere do when they don't have any idea what is going on.  They make up stuff.  First off, why on earth would anyone duplicate our American system of 2 pretty much the same parties?  Is anyone looking at us and thinking, "Oh, America.  They look like they've got their act together.  Let's copy them!"  Especially the Russians.  Well, besides Garry Kasparov.  But I'm not sure he's actually in Russia.  Oh, and speaking of Garry, there already ARE opposition parties in Russia.  They are called Communists and LDPR.  (The Union of Right Forces -the liberals- don't count.  Not because they aren't in opposition.  Oh, they are.  But because, in order to be a party, I think you have to have some semblance of organization.)  Still, this is how the paranoiacs imagine Putin will scheme his way back into office.  Not sure why he'd make up some unnecessary and convoluted and American-esque (see: doomed to fail) and sneaky scheme and put Medvedev in power in order to do this, when he could have, uhm, you know, just outlawed term limits and stayed on.  Which you'd think he would have done if he were the megalomaniac they believe he is.  

If you're interested, Patrick Armstrong runs through some more Russian politics fortune-telling and its perils over at Russia Blog.  Good stuff. Check it out.

3.  How Russia actually is becoming more like America.  

Or, wait, "How America is becoming more like Russia."  Oh, I'm so confused!  Which is it?

- Robert Amsterdam: Wiretapping in Russia.  It is not just an American problem ...

There is a 5 year old girl in me who is really sad and perplexed after reading that line.

... the following exclusive translation from News.ru reports that the Ministry of Information has announced that all telephone and internet service providers must allow unrestricted wiretapping and monitoring access for the FSB, despite the constitutional requirement of a court order. We know from experience that this system has been in place for several years, but it is just now that the Ministry is making it publicly known.
Ministry of information technologies and communication opens access for FSB to tap telephone conversations

The Ministry of information technologies and communication of the RF for the first time officially obligated all telecommunications companies, as well as internet providers, to provide the capability to the FSB to conduct unlimited and uncontrolled tapping of telephones and lifting of information. The Constitution of Russia allows this only on the basis of a court decision.

North is South and East is West and Russia spying on its citizens is news because that's only done in Evil America.  help.

- RIAN: Russia to introduce 'color-coded' terrorist threat system.

When I was a little girl, only Russians spied on each other, not Americans, and rainbows were used to decorate my Trapper Keeper, not scare people about terrorists.  Scaring people with rainbows...  I hate this new world.

- Chicago Tribune: Artist claims 'censorship'

NEW YORK - After being splattered with paintballs in a Chicago gallery last year, Iraqi-born artist Wafaa Bilal intended his follow-up piece, "Virtual Jihadi," to show how it feels to be the hunted instead of the hunter.

But the video work -- which features an electronic "avatar" of the Chicago-based artist dressed as a suicide bomber -- was shut down Thursday by officials of Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute in Troy, N.Y., after it had been open less than a day.

A work with complicated origins, "Virtual Jihadi" mimics a video game, allowing a viewer using a keyboard and mouse to control a gun that shoots American soldiers. The object of the "game" is to penetrate a bunker and kill President Bush.

Bilal's avatar is available to blow himself up next to the president. That aspect of the piece reportedly led to inquiries from the FBI and other federal agencies.

In announcing the shutdown, the institute said it would review the show's "origin, content and intent" before allowing it to be shown again, according to a statement by a Rensselaer vice president, William Walker.

But Bilal, a faculty member at the School of the Art Institute of Chicago, said he sent Rensselaer his plans for the work long before he arrived at the upstate New York campus to begin a two-week residency.

"I personally think it is censorship," he said. "I think it is being shut down permanently."

He may be right about his claim of censorship, but I'm going to have to disagree with the one about being an "artist" ...  

- BBC: Property sell-off by Russian army

Looks like America's is not the only army that needs a cash infusion.

The Russian army is set to raise money by auctioning off some of the property it owns, according to reports in the Russian press.
Newspapers in Moscow say the auction will include mansions, unoccupied land, and even whole towns.

The purpose of the sell-off is to raise money to build much-needed modern housing for army officers.  (...)

Going under the hammer will be "fabulous mansions and guest houses, dilapidated garrison towns, unused shooting ranges and vast tracts of neglected land, on which no human has set foot for years".

The property owned by the army is extensive, and its total value has been estimated at 300 billion roubles (£6bn).

But there is less need for garrison towns, now that army numbers have dropped from four million men to 1.1 million in recent years.

Military spending, though, is on the increase, with this year's total expenditure of £35bn set to rise by a quarter in the next two years.

President-elect Dmitry Medvedev has identified the improvement of housing as one of his four "national projects".

One army officer, who refused to give his name, responded to the auction plan by saying: "I didn't know the army had anything left to sell. I thought it had all been stolen long ago."

Obviously Dima didn't get the message that you work with the army you have, not the one you wish you had.  Wait.  They are selling mansions and guest houses to raise money for ... military housing?  Why not just ... put the soldiers in the mansions and guest houses?  Man, I have no faith in this new regime.  I want my Putin back.

3.  Never can say Goodbye...

Fortunately, the press is having as difficult a time bidding dosvidaniya to VVP as I am.  

For example, Putin went to the theater and the whole Internets went berserk about it.  Apparently he offered some constructive criticism to the cast after the event.  To be sure: autocratic leaders getting into art criticism leave a sinking feeling in the tummies of many.  It's the type of behavoir that usually preceeds a ... purge or something.  No one even has to say the "S" word.  But that's what all of these articles are about, in the end.  Get a grip.  First off, I don't recall Stalin stepping down from highest office.  Secondly, I don't recall Putin offing millions of peasants and artists and best friends and pretty much everyone else who happened to be alive during his regime.  So let's take a deep breath and steady our hands, shall we.  The guy just went to a play.  He likes theater.  He's a renaissance man.  A classy chap.

Er, if it's not his classy side you dig, however, "Vodka, Erotic Dreams and One-Liners" may be more to your liking.  The Moscow Times, despite themselves, have put together a little greatest hits of Putin-related weirdness.  You've probably heard it all before, but, really, does "It sank" ever cease to amuse?  Ah...  Here's a trip down memory lane:

Putin himself has often displayed a dark sense of humor. But it's not clear whether his family even thinks he's funny.

His wife, Lyudmila, once said rather mournfully that she preferred simple, ordinary humor. "It is hard for me to understand black humor and irony," she told reporters in 2005. "I like simple and kind humor, although I cannot say that we have only this kind of humor in our family."

There is a Wikipedia entry devoted to Putinisms, although, unlike Bushisms, most of Putin's famous utterances are characterized by menacing precision rather than a blundering command of his native tongue.

Putin is indeed adept at one-liners, though sometimes they are far from funny. When CNN's Larry King asked Putin in 2000 what happened to the Kursk submarine, Putin replied with an eerie smile, "It sank."

In a markedly lighter moment, Putin responded to U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney's criticism of Russia by recalling an incident in which Cheney accidentally peppered a hunting partner with buckshot fired from his shotgun. Cheney's statements, Putin said, are "the same as an unsuccessful hunting shot."

U.S. President George W. Bush got the same treatment for criticizing democracy in Russia. "We certainly would not want to have the same kind of democracy as they have in Iraq, I will tell you quite honestly," Putin told Bush.

(...)

Bawdiness has also been a hallmark of Putin's humor. In 2002, Putin suggested that a foreign reporter pressing him on the war in Chechnya have his foreskin removed. "If you want to completely become an Islamic radical and are ready to have a circumcision, then I invite you to Moscow," Putin told the reporter in Brussels. "We have a multicultural country and have specialists even on this issue. And I will recommend that he perform this surgery in such a way that nothing would grow out of you again."

He referenced genitalia again in 2006 at a meeting with foreign media executives, who apparently annoyed him with a speculative question about whether Russia could back sanctions against Iran for its nuclear program.

"What if my grandmother had certain sexual attributes? Then she would be my grandfather," he said.

But wait!  There's more!  I know, I pulled that little trick they use on the news to keep you tuned in, "Snowstorm of Death on the way. Details after the break."  Then they spend 29 minutes mewing about stuff you don't care about or believe.  Then, just before the close, you get the Snowstorm of Death details.  Only instead of Snowstorm of Death, I present to you:

Interesting moments in the life of Putin: 53 pictures. (Hat Tip: Russian language & culture blog)

{{Internet Heaven}}

Includes all the well-known pics I've repeatedly posted here (anyone up for a fishing expedition?), but also has some never before seen on O&E gems like these:

and for old time's sake:

See?  Now you know why I couldn't remain in hiding.  How can I be so greedy as to keep this treasure all to myself?  I am a generous person.  I am a good person.  A good, decent, generous, kind person who just happens to think some of you are completely full of it.  That's all.  But that's ok.  Maybe all you need is a good

OMG.  I was going to include this funny blog post about Kasparov and totally forgot until I typed "completely full of it."  Thanks for the reminder, guys!

4.  The Ivanov Report: The "Democratic Opposition" In Russia: The Joker With No Clothes

Garry Kasparov, a former chess great and now a tireless violator of public order, often complains that the mainstream Russia's media outlets are closed to him, and his message to the Russian audience gets silenced.  One would then expect him to use any opportunity to tap on the more hospitable Western sources to get this message through.  True, very few Russians read regularly, say, The Wall Street Journal, of which Kasparov is a contributing editor, but this is still better than nothing.  Besides, the WSJ is obviously scouted by some sophisticated members of the Russian business elite.

From this perspective, Kasparov's latest WSJ article cannot help but surprise.  Kasparov could use the provided space by presenting his vision of the current situation in Russia and the direction the country, in Kasparov's opinion, should be heading.  He could also explain his reasons for running for Russia's presidency, however shortly, and present what might be viewed as an election platform.  

Nothing of the sort.  Kasparov begins his piece with a detailed discussion of the presidential election in the United States.  For a resident of Moscow and St. Petersburg -- this is how Kasparov is introduced -- he demonstrates remarkable knowledge of the positions taken by the three major candidates.  McCain is obviously his favorite ("the thought of him [McCain] in the White House strikes fear into authoritarian leaders everywhere").  He also appears sympathetic to Barack Obama ("...he has a history of compromise, of being willing to cross his own party and to cross the aisle"), but has no taste for Hillary Clinton whom Kasparov calls the favorite of "the Russian ruling elite.

Having done with the American election, Kasparov turns to his pet topic: blasting Western leaders, President Bush in particular, for being "soft" on Putin.  As usual, Kasparov is urging the West to expel Russia from what he repeatedly calls G-7.  A strange logic for a man who wanted to be Russia's next president.  Unless, of course, Kasparov believes that only with him at the helm does Russia have a place in the community of "G-7 nations."(...)

Yuri Shevchuk, the leader of the legendary rock group DDT attended the rally.  At least, the frustration of Mr. Shevchuk with the results of the presidential election is easy to understand.  It's hard for a Russian musician to accept the fact that the next Russian president is a Deep Purple fan.

Aah... Funny stuff.  Hm.  Wonder if our friend Surkov can head up a "Ministry of Fixing Dima's Terrible Taste in Music?"  Is there a suggestions box on the Kremlin website?

Ok everyone, thanks for reading!  You can all go back to your c-word now.  You'll be spending a lot of time in the confessional after having read this.  Enjoy.  Tell God I said Hi and to do something about Darfur.  Oh, I forgot, there's no God in your church.  oooooookay...  What, is the UK full of people like those loaded gay couples who move to Vermont and convert unused churches into lofts or something?  I mean, that's cool.  But don't believe that's what you are up to for a second.

So glad we won the revolution.  

~~~

Misha:  Hey, rumour has it you're not going to die in prison!  Yay!  Smile!

Ok, ciao, mes amis.  Have a lovely weekend.