We've had a gorgeous sunny morning but the big clouds are coming over now.  I can only remember either utterly stupid or rude jokes so I shall not share mine.

Ad astra per aspera

Visiting kindergarten

Little Tommy's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station. There they saw pictures tacked to a big bulletin board. The label clearly read, "The 10 Most Wanted."

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman, "the detectives want him very badly."

So Little Tommy asked, while tugging on the man's belt, "Um, mister, why didn't you keep them when you took their pictures?"

I knew I had another one in my in-box:

The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German,which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"'s in the language is disgraceful, and they should go away.

By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaiining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz year, ve vil hav a reali sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!

Are you in Fontainebleau or in Paris ? It's not exactly raining here...

Auferre, trucidare, rapere, falsis nominibus imperium; atque, ubi solitudinem faciunt, pacem appellant.

How many ET'ers does it take to change a light bulb?

We're not sure, the sitemeter is responding slowly, but several threads seem to total around 123 individual attempts, of which some questioned whether the light bulb needed changing, and of those who thought yes, when the best time would be, although the majority were wondering exactly what the light bulb should be replaced with.  It was proposed to do an economic analysis of the previous bulbs' performance, but no one volunteered for the effort.  In the end the bulb wasn't changed, despite Peak Bulb.Is.Doomed predictions.

Oh yeah, a certain self-styled "Colman," which we're not sure what exactly that is, asked, "Define light bulb."

Skennah Kowa

 The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount."

However, in government, education, and in corporate America, more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

1.  Buying a stronger whip.

2.  Changing riders.

3.  Appointing a committee to study the horse.  Better yet, bring in an army of consultants to over study the horse.

4.  Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.

5.  Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.

6.  Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.

7.  Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

8.  Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.

9.  Providing additional funding and/or training to increase dead horse's performance.

10.  Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.

11.  Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.

12.  Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.

And of course:

13.  Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.

Skennah Kowa

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand

and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says

to the waiter, "Me want coffee." He gets the Indian

a tall mug of coffee and the Indian drinks in down in

one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it

into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his

shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in

the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the

waiter, "Me want coffee." The waiter says, "Whoa,

Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from

yesterday. What the heck was that all about anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me training for

upper management position: Come in, drink coffee,

shoot the shit, leave mess for others to clean up,

disappear for rest of day."

Skennah Kowa

An Englishman was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the hills of Nevada. He was chatting to the bartender when he spied an old Indian sitting in the corner.

He had tribal gear on, long white plaits and a wrinkled face. "Who's he?" said the bloke. "That's the Memory Man." said the bartender. "He knows everything. He can remember any fact. Go and try him out."

So the bloke goes over thinking "He won't know about English football."
"Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?' he asks.

"Liverpool" replies the Memory Man.
"Who did they beat?" "Leeds" was the reply. "And the score?"

"2-1"
"Who scored the winning goal?"

"Ian St. John" was the old man's reply.

The Englishman was knocked out by this and told everyone back home about the Memory Man. A few years later he went back to the USA and tried to find the impressive Memory Man. Eventually he found the bar and sitting in the same seat was the old Indian only this time he was older and more wrinkled. Because he was so impressed the bloke decided to speak to the Indian in his native tongue.

He approached him with the greeting "How"

The Memory man replied, "Diving header in the six yard box"

Skennah Kowa

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona, when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. After a bit of small talk, the Navajo woman noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally. "What's in the bag?" asked the woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman was silent for a moment then,
speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder said, "Good trade."

Skennah Kowa

Skennah Kowa

un bateau est pris dans une violente tempête et coule. seul rescapé, un marin marseillais, accroché à une planche, échoue sur une île déserte. heureusement il y a de l'eau douce, des fruits à profusion, et la mer est remplie de poissons, ce qui lui permet de survivre. le temps passe et au bout de plusieurs mois, un point grossit a l'horizon. un radeau apparaît. il s'échoue sur la plage et une superbe naufragée débarque en s'écriant:

- oh bonne mère ! quelle île !

et le marsaillais s'exclame :

• té ! je rêve ! une femme et en plus une marseillaise ! mademoiselle j'aimerais vous offrir un verre pour votre arrivée, mais je n'ai que de l'eau.

• c'est parfait, dit la fille, moi j'ai le pastaga.
  

elle sort de sa trousse de survie une bouteille de ricard. le marseillais est ébahi. ll lui dit:

• je m'excuse, je n'ai que des fruits pour l'accompagner.

• j'ai ce qu'il faut dit la fille en sortant des olives.

le phocéen est aux anges. quand ils ont terminé leur apéritif, la fille lui demande:

• ça fait longtemps que vous n'avez pas vu une femme ?

• pardi ! six mois.

alors elle se rapproche de lui et lui dit d'une voix douce:

- ça vous plairait de tirer ?

et le marseillais, extasié, s'écrie:

- oh putaing ! ne me dites pas que vous avez aussi amené les boules !

"C'est un scandale !"

Buddhist Jewish Sayings

If there is no self, whose flu is this?

Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?

Drink tea and nourish life with the first sip, joy with the second sip, satisfaction with the third sip, peace with the fourth, a muffin.

Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.

Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health, or a life without problems. What would you talk about?

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single Oy.

There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?

Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.

Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist.

Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.

The Torah says, Love your neighbor as yourself. The Buddha says "There is no self." So, maybe we're off the hook.

I told Bush; don't play chess with the freakin' Russians.