by THE Twank
Wed Mar 29th, 2017 at 05:15:03 AM EST
A Biochemist Goes To War Part VIII
Scene 1: The Pot Shop. Rory and Conrad listening to the replay of Rory's interview with Buttfuck. " But I digress ... where was I? Oh yeah, why I asked you to come see me. Rumor has it you got this big brain ... you solve problems ... all sorts of problems. Well, I've got a problem for you ... one word ... MARS!" Conrad pauses the playback. "When I heard Mars ... I thought it was a setup. You get hauled there right after the KKK bloodbath and he wants to talk about MARS?! My bullshit alarm hit eleven. And that shit about Hoover and Tolson ... glad that was before my time." "Can we get on with the playback?" "Sorry ... like Buttfuck said, I digress." "That's right ... I said Mars." "You mean the planet ... or the candy bar?" "Of course the planet, you ninny. Haven't you heard? The White House is all gung-ho on going to Mars ... setting up colonies ..." "Let me guess ... hotels with his name on them."
Scene 2: The taped conversation continues. "Well ... eventually ... I guess. You know, I've got a theory about that. You take some spoiled rich kid ... never did anything in his life ... failed at everything ... always backstopped by Daddy ... plus he's got this tiny deformed dick ... I have photos, want to see them?" "That's OK, I'll pass" "I'm tellin' ya ... really funny. If my dick looked like his, I wouldn't be seen in public. Tell the truth ... ain't politics fun these days? SNL ... do you watch SNL? ... it hasn't been this popular in decades. And that nest of liars, crooks, and assholes running things in D.C. ... America is getting what it deserves." "Senator ... Mars?" "Oh yeah ... right. I keep getting distracted these days. The whole Putin and Russia thing ... and the planet starving in three years and ..." "What did you just say?" "About Putin and Russia ... haven't you been seein' the news? God, I love Rachel Maddow. She's always got good shit to tell ... FOX? ... that's propaganda for idiots ... but Maddow ... too bad she's ..." "No Senator, not Putin. What's that about the planet starving in three years?" "Oh ... that ... well ... got some bad news for the people of planet Earth ... three years from now, all of the grocery stores in the U.S. of A. will be closed. No more food for America. All those idiots who think their Emperor will bring back high paying jobs ... they'll be eating their next door neighbors' pets ... before they're reduced to cannibalism ... gonna be a pretty ugly scene. And that's in obese America ... by that time, all of Africa will be dead ... all of Australia ... done. Only the really rich and well connected and a few of you guys ... you know ... scientists and engineers who know how to do things ... we'll keep you around to keep the lights on and the gigabytes flowing but everyone else ... all the useless breeders ... they're dead. Global warming ... food running out ... did you hear about the Somalia situation ... drought leading to massive famine ... today Somalia, tomorrow 95 percent of the planet. OK by me as long as I can get my three squares and a bottle a day. Screw everybody else ... gettin' what they deserve ... for decades they were told to stop breeding like cockroaches but did they listen ... nooope. That's why I got a vasectomy ... I can bang eighteen year olds like I'm the college quarterback and they loooooove us politicians. (pause ... swig) What were we talking about?" "Mars and the starving Earth." "Oh ... right ... so, there are two plans. One ... my choice ... is colonies on Mars. Imagine the golf strokes ... eat your heart out Tiger Wood. But the guys working on it can't get their act in gear. The colonies have to be up and running ... the rockets flying people to Mars have to be safe ... but they keep running into snags. If they don't get a move on, us important folk ... notice how I included you ... we'll get eaten along with the rest of the idiots. I figure ... put you in charge ... have you report directly to me ... the job gets done lickety split. Us important guys ... a whole bunch of young horny bitches ... plenty of booze ... a party on Mars. Let the rest of humanity die out. We come back in five to ten years ... you technical types figure out how to get rid of the corpses ... it'll be Paradise. Who knows? ... maybe this is God's plan. Wouldn't that be great? Along with the immortality technologies coming on line ... no death for us important people ... we can party till we're tired of bangin' ... and for me, that'll be a long time." "Mars ... plan one. What's plan two?" "That's for the small brain folk. They're busy stowing away all sorts of foodstuffs ... grains, beans, you name it ... plus huge refrigerated storage areas for meat, whatnot ... I don't know, maybe ice cream. Anyway, those knotheads think they'll tough it out on planet Earth while the whole place goes to hell. I think they saw "Logan's Run" too many times." "That's it ... Mars or tough it out? That's the best you folks with unlimited resources can come up with?" "OK hotshot ... if you got a better plan, let's hear it." "Let's make a deal." "I'm listening Monte ... get it ... Monte?" "Yeah yeah ... take the curtain." Big smile from Buttfuck ... the egghead got his joke. Maybe this guy is alright. "You want my unlimited time and effort to get your folks ..." "Hey hey, OUR folks. You're one of us now. The skin you save will be your own." "Fine, OUR folks ... set-up on Mars. I keep you apprised of my progress ... I call all the shots. I hire and fire whomever I want. I don't take crap from anyone. I keep my business clients because you never know where useful ideas can come from. Look at a calendar ... when do you want the last rocket off this dying burg. "Oh, let's go with January 2020 ... has a nice ring to it." "Fine. Except I want a Plan 3 ... my plan. I work on it along with yours ... and you fund it." "Just what you got in mind ... exactly?" Conrad hits the pause button. Conrad: "Ballsy, my friend. I never would have thought to come up with an alternative plan ... not on such short notice." "The Mars plan sounds like bullshit ... people scared out of their wits, grasping at straws. Do any of them know what living on Mars would be like ... NO! Just give us somewhere where we can continue to eat, crap, get drunk, and fuck. Great minds! Unlimited resources. They're probably already designing the hotels. And the other plan ... hang around ... defend your food. I'm not sure the whole planet is defensible ... and the idea of domed cities ... I guess that's better than nothing. Now my plan ... with an unlimited credit card to design whatever we want to come up with ... you ready to bring your friends in on this full time?" "My friends will work with me ... don't know how they'll react to you being head honcho." "Fine ... you and I work together ... you herd your cats ... but keep them productive. We have two projects to complete in a little less than 3 years."
Scene 3: Back to the playback. "Fine. Except I want a Plan 3 ... my plan. I work on it while doing yours ... and you fund it." "Just what you got in mind ... exactly?" "A defensible piece of real estate of my choosing ... I get an unlimited credit card to fund its development ... you boys keep hands off ... it's my show ... completely." "To what end?" "Who knows ... you Martians might want to come back to some part of Earth that isn't a hellhole. You might get nostalgic for a blue sky." "Are there already people there?" "Plenty." "How are they gonna take to your ... social engineering?" "They're human beings ... they want shit for free if they can get it ... they resist change if they can ... but for survival purposes, I hope they'll go along when things get tough." "And just what piece of real estate are you talking about? Alaska? Sounds like those survivalist jerks." "No, I was thinking ..."
Scene 3: Amy's kitchen. More pie. "California! I'll be Tony Stark and you're Pepper Potts ... without the kissing. I'm recruiting a slew of young agile minds to make this work. But we have to get on it now. Jan 2020 is just around the corner." "Where would I live ... and how much would I be paid?" "Anywhere ... and you name it ... as long as it's reasonable. Don't expect to become a queen ... we got work to do and little time. No fighting ... no bullshit. I want to construct a sane society in California ... and once it starts to shape up, see if Oregon and Washington states want to come along. This is for the survival of the planet and our species ... and a whole lot of other species. You in?
Next Time: Welcome to California.