Former pop star Britney Spears and Al-Qaeda front man Osama bin-Laden rehearsing for upcoming video




Hollywood, CA (O! Online) - Reporters for O! Online have learned that there are plans in the works for a possible joint comeback tour for Britney Spears featuring Osama bin Laden. This comes after independent disastrous performances by both over this past weekend. Bin Laden had released his latest video, which has been universally panned by critics for its post-editing flaws and obvious overdubbing and lip sync problems. A noticeably nervous Britney Spears was blasted last night for her performance in her long heralded comeback appearance on the MTV Video Music Awards. Spears was noted to suffer as well some of the same lip sync problems and lack of animation as displayed by bin Laden during her performance last night.

Noted terrorist video producer Adam Gadahn, or "Azzam the American", stepped forward last night on an Islamic fundamentalist website to claim responsibility for bin Laden's poor performance in his latest video.

The Unofficial Official Rules of Surgeball

The Unofficial Official Rules of Surgeball


 1.1   Do not talk about Surgeball.

1.2   You do not talk about Surgeball, there is no debate.

1.3   If someone says "stop" they're limp and liberal, Surgeball's not over.

1.4   Only 12 factions to Surgeball at a time.

1.5   Surgeball will go on until the decider says it is over.

1.6   If this is your first Surgeball, and you have money or you're a Republican, you don't have to play.

1.7   All players must wear Surgeball armor and masks.  No one questions the armor.

Six of twelve lucky servicemen set for early rotation home aboard Air Force One


Al-Anbar, Iraq (Rotters) - Citing tremendous successes with his surge strategy during a surprise visit to Iraq, President Bush today announced that the Pentagon would be able to begin sending a number of GIs home early. A dozen servicemen will accompany the president to Australia for his meeting with Australian President John Howard and the APEC conference, after which they will return home to an early discharge if desired, with full honors.

President Bush moments before being bundled aboard Marine One for an emergency flight to Bethesda Naval Hospital


Kennebunkport, MN (APE) - President Bush was rushed via Marine One back to Bethesda Naval Hospital for emergent treatment of what doctors suspect was an exacerbation of chronic problems with lime. The president had flown earlier in the day to his parent's compound in Kennebunkport, for an extended visit and vacation with France's newly elected president Nicolas Sarcozy. Mr Bush apparently collapsed after losing an impromptu foot race with the French president, and after taking a few sips of a beverage for re hydration, according to the White House. This incident occurs after the president was given a clean bill of health by physicians following extensive examinations this week.

Space station astronauts on a recent EVA removing what was originally described as an ammonia tank from the space station


Houston, TX (APE) - NASA authorities are today admitting that the ongoing investigation into alcohol consumption by astronauts is now to include current and former occupants of the international space Station.  NASA officials have stated that they wish to question the current occupants of the space station specifically over the recent EVA in which an "ammonia tank" was removed and controversially jettisoned into space as junk.

Two suspected British terrorists detained at Miami International Airport


Miami, FL (APE) - Transportation Security Administration authorities today confirmed the arrest of two British suspects in connection with a recent spate of what are described as "dry run" airline bombings. Authorities stated that the two may likely have been complicit in what are described as fake devices using modeling clay or block cheese that were seized in four separate incidents in the last two years at various US airports.

Vice President Dick Cheney exits his limousine after a private showing of the new Harry Potter movie "Order of the Phoenix"



Washington, DC (APE) - Daily activities around a Washington, DC Megaplex ground to a halt late yesterday afternoon as the vice president and his security contingent swooped in for an unannounced visit and the vice president took time out from his busy schedule to enjoy the latest Harry Potter film. Disgruntled moviegoers were forced to accept refunds or tickets for alternative shows as the entire complex was shut down by the Secret Service for over three hours.

Happy Fourth of July! Enjoy a good movie today...  everything is posted here too!

Paparazzi photo showing the hand of an unknown assailant seconds before the gangland style execution of soprano's creator David Chase


New York, NY (APE) - Fans outside of a New York City nightclub, Leotardos, were stunned earlier tonight as David Chase, the veteran Hollywood screenwriter and creator of the hit HBO series The Sopranos, was apparently executed in Mafia hit fashion by an unknown assailant. Witnesses said the assailant appeared out of nowhere and apparently fired three shots into the unsuspecting Chase before vanishing into the night. Chase had been attending a closing cast party with friends and family when the apparent execution occurred.

Grainy video of Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid being held hostage by a group of "Kossacks"


Washington, DC (APE) - A spokesperson for Democratic Arizona Senator Harry Reid early this morning confirmed that the senator was missing, and indeed appears to have been taken hostage. Fox news network is reporting that it has received grainy cell phone footage of the Senate Majority Leader being held hostage by a radical group of left-wing terrorists operating under cover of the popular progressive blog, "The Daily Kos".

Has the Republican Party's favorite smelly ogre lost his magic touch in his latest sequel?



Washington, DC (Rotters) - Critics are united over condemnation of the latest efforts from the smelly ogre that everyone loves to hate. "Karl the Turd" was released with all the fanfare that the Bush administration and its corporate sponsors could muster, but it's tried and true formulaic writing appears not to be resonating with the American public.

"Is everyone okay, are we still alive?" uttered General Cheney


Washington, DC (UPSI) - Hours after touching down aboard Air Force two following what the White House has described as a extremely successful Asian trip, Vice President Dick Cheney was awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor by President Bush in recognition of his heroism in surviving an assassination attempt by a suicide bomber yesterday in Afghanistan. Mr. Cheney was recognized for his unprecedented valor and calm demeanor in the aftermath of the explosion which Taliban forces in Afghanistan have claimed responsibility for in an attempt to assassinate the vice president.

President bush speaking to employees at a Tennessee ethanol pruduction facility


Raleigh, NC (APE) - President George W. Bush yesterday took a tour of Novozymes North America Inc. a manufacturer of enzymes designed to harvest ethanol from various renewable resources. Bush touted ethanol as an answer to virtually all of America's problems, from oil independence to all controversies both foreign and domestic. Bush then took a quick jaunt via Marine one to tour another ethanol distillery in nearby Tennessee to emphasize the point.

Poxuponye Dick standing outside of his secret undisclosed bunker


White Sulfur Springs, WV (APE) - February 2nd, it's that time of year again... it's Chicken Hawk Day! Every year the sleepy little resort called the Greenbrier is flooded with reporters to a secret undisclosed location. Amidst much celebration and ceremony, America's official Chicken Hawk is awakened from his deep sleep and dragged from his secure bunker to see if he will be able to see his shadow.

Tradition maintains that if the Chicken Hawk is unable to see his shadow and react in fear, America will be treated to a rapid and early peace. If the Chicken Hawk instead, sees his shadow, America will face another year of warfare and bloodshed.

Narrator: .... Once Upon a time there was a little boy whose parents and friends always called him "Silly". Silly always lived under the shadow of his father, Papa Wanker, a very conservative politician who always preferred to do things from behind the scenes. But Little Silly Wanker always wanted sweet, decisive victories... despite the objections of his father, he became a world renouned war profiteer and opened a Victory Factory... and one day he came to realize that he would have to mount a surge to keep the Victory Factory in business... So he hatched a scheme to release five Golden Tickets to decide who would inherit the factory... this is the story...

Washington, DC (APE) - Oil executives, lobbyists, and campaigners are racing to provide cash and other essentials to hundreds of stranded Republicans in the new Democratic covered Capitol building.

The Maryland National Guard resumed dropping bales of cash from the air early Thursday morning, and began trucking in funding to Republicans in the growing number of back offices that have been cleared of Democrats.

Reports of a growing storm about to hit the nation's capital have left lobbyists and special interest groups scrambling to provide for their herds. There is no estimate yet on how many careers may die in Washington.  "We think there are probably 30,000 out there at risk, that we're having to make sure that we feed."  Stated Republican Party Chairman Ken Mehlman, a longtime Washington rancher whose business will likely not survive the coming storm.

New Coca-Cola advertisement featuring the plight of the Polar Bear  CLICK TO ENLARGE


Washington, DC (UPSI) - The Bush Administration today announced, after much deliberation, that it had decided to place the polar bear on its new "Enabled Species List". The polar bear would become the first such animal listed under the administration's revamping of the Endangered Species Act. Under its new designation as an "enabled species" the polar bear has essentially been adopted, through an agreement with the Bush administration, by Atlanta-based corporate giant Coca-Cola. Coca-Cola will be charged with helping to facilitate the polar bear's successful adaptation to its rapidly changing environment.

Coca-Cola CEO, E. Neville Isdell stated that the company was proud to step forward and become involved in the administration's pilot program. "We owe a lot to these big fellas over the years," stated Isdell, "The annual Christmas campaigns featuring them have been some of the most successful advertisements in marketing history. We're happy that we're now able to give a little back."

A defiant President Bush seen shopping with secret service escort


Washington, DC (APE) - In an apparent attempt to lead by example President Bush today was seen making the rounds of after Christmas sales at a couple of very busy rural Virginia outlet malls. In a controversial end of the year press conference at the White House last week the president had encouraged all Americans to go shopping, stressing the need for continued improvement of the economy. Businesses nationwide are literally praying that brisk after Christmas sales may simulate what has been thus far a mediocre year for retail sales.

"I encourage you all to do your patriotic duty and get out there and mix it up," stated Bush, "there are some real bargains to be had, and you'll be supporting our troops in the war on terror by showing the terrorist killers that they can't stop our way of life."