Q: Where did I leave my keys?
A: Inside pocket of your gray jacket (it's hanging in the front closet).

Q: What should I get my wife for her birthday?
A: Blue sundress from Calypso, size 12. Also note that she likes to have her toes licked.

Q: Is now a good time to buy Google?
A: Unfortunately, due to strict federal laws NSA cannot provide stock tips.

Q: Can I substitute margarine for butter in my Toll House cookie recipe?
A: We know that you've been smoking pot.

Q: What should I have for dinner?
A: You've been eating a lot of Chinese and pizza -- how about some Turkish?

(via boingboing)

The fact is that what we're experiencing right now is a top-down disaster. -Paul Krugman