You needn't feel alone in being relegated to a position of being told "how it is" only after "how it is" has been decided for all practical purposes.  That, indeed, is the very position in which Europe's national parliament-members find themselves.  In that, it is very important to distinguish their total marginalisation from the marginalisation of European heads of state-- Prime Ministers and Presidents.  These are often a deal more aware of and involved in the issues as they are discussed and hammered out--often in "informal meetings" between the Commission, its agents, and, most importantly, the tremendously powerful corporate lobbies who can as good as draft the Commission propositions themselves--as they have done!

 For the Euro heads of state, the EU--i.e. the Commission-- serves a very handy dual purpose: it can and does do, effectively in what is tantamount to private dealings, what these heads of state could not do in front of their own parliaments and electorates.  On the other hand, whether or not the European Commission does what the heads of state like or not, it is always a convenient whipping-boy, offered up as useful political cover for the heads of state to "blame", saying that these things are, alas, out of their hands.  That is sometimes true and other times not true.

 In any case, the fact remains that dealing with the Euro Commission is something like having a "tiger by the tail".  It is extremely powerful, well-organized, and it is at the beck and call of the international corporate community which, while not a monolith, is the most consistent, unified, wealthy and powerful set of interests in the world today-- bar none.

 I cannot urge strongly enough the importance of reading the information contained in Raoul Marc Jennar's Europe, la trahison des élites (édition augmentée), Fayard, Paris, May 2005.]

 and, once more, the invaluable set of references (many in english) at
Étienne Chouard's website .

"In such an environment it is not surprising that the ills of technology should seem curable only through the application of more technology..." John W Aldridge

The page I linked above is the view from the European Commission (see also this), and it gives you pointers to all the relevant institutions. At the Commission level, I think it is Benita Ferrero-Waldner (EU Commissioner for External Relations) that would have any responsibility for Defence issues.

In the European Parliament it is Committee on Foreign Affairs that has responsibility for the CFSP.

Committee responsible for:
1.   the common foreign and security policy (CFSP) and the European security and defence policy (ESDP). In this context the committee is assisted by a subcommittee on security and defence;

• Paul Marie Coûteaux (Independence and Democracy)
  
• Phillippe Morillon (Aliance of Liberals and Democrats for Europe)
  
• Michel Rocard (Party of the European Socialists)
  
• Ari Vatanen (European People's Party/European Democrats)
  

One thing we don't do enough of in Europe compared to the US is to contact our representatives directly. You now have a list of all of yours [in the case of the European Parliament you can contact the chairmen of the committees, and document rapporteurs, regardless of nationality or political affiliation].

A society committed to the notion that government is always bad will have bad government. And it doesn't have to be that way. — Paul Krugman