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"You would not understand."
"Oh, really? Is that because I do not have a door?"
"Exactly. The door of Cuckundo comes only through true wisdom."
"Why can't I have a door, anyway?"
"Because you are young and wild."
"It's not fair. You get the door. Why don't I get to get the door?"
"I am wise. I earned my door. I went into the mountains and I studied under a master. I did not just get it at B&Q" [English D.I.Y. chain. Something like Ikea.]
"You say you are wise. 'Oh, look at me, I'm Rudi, I'm really wise, I've got the door.' You did things wrong, you stole other people's music."
"Will you stop with this?"
"You think you are psychedelic jesus, huh? There's nothing about you. You are a fraud."
"We all make mistakes. Some of us learn from the errors of our ways, but you never learn, because you are stubborn like the ox."
"I am not an ox. I am a lion and if I want something I pounce."
"Yes, we all know about this, don't we?"
"What are you trying to say to me? If you want to say something, speak the plain English. Don't run around the house in a little car."
"You know very well I am talking about my ex-wife."
"Oh, why you always go on about this? You know, it was the 60s, you know, free love, we were young. Besides, your wife wasn't just free with me. She was free with everyone."
"My wife was like all women, strange and evil."
"Ach, you cannot put all of the blame on top of her head."
"What do you mean by this?"
"Why do you think her eyes started to go shopping for other men in the first place?"
"I was a good husband."
"Easy to say with the benefit of hind legs, hah? She told me everything. She told me of your affair."
"I did nothing wrong."
"Then why did she come home from work one day, to find you with your guitar?"
"That was a misunderstanding, I was naked, it was dark, I was changing a string, I became entangled."
"You expect me to believe this?"
"Is it so wrong for a man to love a guitar?"
"Yes it is, if he puts his balls inside it and strums himself to ecstacy."
"I have had enough of this talk now. I need to meditate. Go away and digest what we have spoken about. Come to an understanding of why I was right and you were wronng, and then I'll type it up, give it back to you in note form."
"I bet you will, with bullet points, you anal bastard. Why don't you take your notes and stick them up your anus, huh? And chew on them till sunrise."
"Oh yes, I forgot. You cannot read, can you? [MOCKING LAUGHTER]"
"Maybe I can read a few names, in my phone book here. Huh? Maybe I can read the name of Carlos."
"Carlos Santana. I might have known."
"I didn't want to tell you, you know. I was protecting you because I thought we were bongo brothers. Huh? Carlos has been trying to poach me now for two years. He's a proper musician. He likes to play and have fun. He doesn't ponce around the desert in a dress."
"This is not a dress. This is the sacred robe of the Psychedelic Monks."
"--Whatever. Maybe I'll go to Carlos. He is a better guitar player than you, anyway."
"What did you say?"
"You heard what I said. He's a better guitar player than you."
"Well, can he do this?"
(FAST HEAVY METAL SOLO. Spider is thrown against rocks.)
"Oh, my pancreas."
"Feel the power of my fusion lick."
"This is the last time you ever raise your guitar to me. There was a time when we used to play together and that was enough. Look at you now. You think you are some kind of priest."
"Better a priest than a beast."
Don't fight forces, use them R. Buckminster Fuller.
Sad to think that, like Fawlty Towers, we only get 2 series. But Nathan Barley was connected.
You can't be me, I'm taken
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