""In a somewhat bizarre move, the Chancellor launched yesterday the so-called "Lysistrata Initiative", named after Aristophanes' eponymous play, which calls on the women of Greece to withhold sexual privileges from their partners until they file their tax returns.

The call comes on the heels of a European Council report showing Germany, along with Finland, trailing far behind France, Italy, Greece and Spain (or the FIGS) in the eurozone rankings for sexual activity.

"German taxpayers cannot be asked to finance the unrestrained lives of the Greeks" said an exasperated Ms Merkel.

A senior German diplomat agreed: "All we're asking the Greeks is to take their strikes to a more constructive level."

Greek women have yet to come forth with an official position on the matter. But sources inside the "Hellenic Association of Female Pensioners Under 40", a representative group, suggest they are not entirely closed to the idea.

Reportedly, a hardline faction within the Association is pushing for a pledge to renounce all sexual pleasures, including The Lioness on The Cheese Grater (a popular sexual position with ancient roots), in the name of fiscal discipline.

[Greek Prime Minister George Papandreou] moved to condemn speculators for planting rumors about a "Greek brain drain", saying that there is "absolutely no evidence" of Greeks moving to Germany to exploit the underutilized sexual landscape.""

"Schiller sprach zu Goethe, Steck in dem Arsch die Flöte! Goethe sagte zu Schiller, Mein Arsch ist kein Triller!"