Welcome to European Tribune. It's gone a bit quiet around here these days, but it's still going.
Display:
All I can say is :Thank you for these stories...
They are actually proving my point. Irresponsible parents and kids suffering...
Here is just one forum have some stories...

http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Children-Of-Divorced-Parents/forum

by vbo on Wed Nov 7th, 2012 at 07:43:44 AM EST
[ Parent ]
So you think all the children mentioned above would have been better off if their parents had stayed together?

You're entitled to your opinion of course. But it's a strange opinion.

But if you just mean "parents should strive to be better people for the sake of the children", well fine, but that has nothing to do with divorcing or not.

It is rightly acknowledged that people of faith have no monopoly of virtue - Queen Elizabeth II

by eurogreen on Wed Nov 7th, 2012 at 07:49:06 AM EST
[ Parent ]
So you think all the children mentioned above would have been better off if their parents had stayed together?

No , I don't think so and I think I made my point earlier. Not every marriage is better then divorce.
I am talking about responsibilities. When people marry they make commitment to try their best to make relationship work. Nowadays that commitment I would say does not mean much. If they have no children they may decide more easily to brake that commitment. It's OK.
But when they DECIDE to have children they made commitment to these children too. Again people put their own un/happiness as a priority not really taking their children happiness in to the " math". Higher divorce rate for me is a sign that people today generally speaking do not try hard enough to save their marriages/ or de facto relationships.Again not all of them. I am not saying this because I was a perfect spouse or parent so I am preaching now to others. Not at all. I did face same dilemmas as everybody else. I was selfish at some points as everybody else...but being older now I really do see children as a priority and big reason for people to do their best ( at some personal cost usually) to make those children happy.Because those children did not ask to be born...it was our decision and with that decision comes responsibility.
There is no bloody way that children will no suffer greatly when parents divorce/separate...and I feel for them.
There are definitely cases where children are better of with divorce from the point of society . Measuring pain and degree of suffer is not our business. It may be a business of psychologists and psychiatrists...Maybe...    
by vbo on Wed Nov 7th, 2012 at 06:51:47 PM EST
[ Parent ]
They are actually proving my point.

No, they don't prove your point that it is divorce that damages children, nor does it prove your point that trying to stay together and hoping for things to improve is advisable in all cases except physical abuse. The claim "Irresponsible parents make kids suffer" is a platitude: people are fallible, so this is bound to happen; the real question is, which is the best way to deal with the problem when it comes up. When you say "irresponsible parent", you don't think it through: you probably only think of the irresponsibility of the abusive or otherwise problematic partner, but your "hope for things to improve" maxim applies to the otherpartner. And marrying an incompatible partner, not getting away from an abusive or otherwise dangerous partner, not getting away before standing on one's foot becomes difficult can all be considered irresponsible. To be specific, here is my take on the six cases:

  1. The wife should have accepted divorce when her children were about 10. Then even a re-marriage would have been in the cards, with the stepfather possibly serving as the father figure for the first child the real father wasn't.

  2. The first couple should have divorced after the adultery instead of moving. That way, the mother wouldn't have to look for a new job in a new place, and the children would have been spared the pressures of having to fit in in a new peer group and facing discrimination, keeping their old friends in their old school.

  3. The mother should have filed for divorce instead of drowning her sorrows in alcohol. That way, she would have kept both her health and her children.

  4. The mother should have filed for divorce when the father's paranoia started, not as a choice of career above family but for lack of respect. That way, the children would have been spared of the psychological effects.

  5. This one is a hard call: IMO the main problem was clearly the mother, whose exploitativeness was bound to mean trouble for the children, whether divorced or not. The point where the father could have prevented all this by acting differently is the very start of the marriage.

  6. Here the mother should have told the father to get a job or else before the more erratic behaviour started. If that didn't work, divorce as fast a possible, whatever friends & family think.

BTW, I left out a perhaps key detail from case no. 2, the one involving adultery, which I am reminded of by the incest discussion downthread. The original deterioration of the lover's first marriage and her desperation was related to the terminal illness of one of her children due to genetic incompatibility with her first husband. That child was still among the ones adopted in the re-marriage. Had there been no divorce and re-coupling, other tragedies would have been in store.

*Lunatic*, n.
One whose delusions are out of fashion.
by DoDo on Thu Nov 8th, 2012 at 12:14:12 PM EST
[ Parent ]
By the way, your link reminds me to stress another point of yours contradicted by my case studies: by far not all children of divorced parents (or orphaned children for that matter) take consequences for all their life. But your link self-selects the problem cases.

With that said, have a look at some of the posts. You'll find more stories supporting my contention that the biggest problem for children is often not what came after the divorce but what preceded it. Like the girl who can't stand her father for reasons she discovers made her mother leave without her. Or the adult daughter of a loveless marriage in which the father ruined wife and older sister. Or the one who says flat-out that his parents should have divorced earlier.

*Lunatic*, n.
One whose delusions are out of fashion.

by DoDo on Thu Nov 8th, 2012 at 08:22:40 PM EST
[ Parent ]

Display:

Occasional Series