Welcome to European Tribune. It's gone a bit quiet around here these days, but it's still going.
Display:
Children are always in position to choose when parents separate/divorce...if not directly (to decide with whom they are going to live) then by having to take side (even if nobody ask them to). Yes you need two "for tango" so it's usually not the case that you can blame just one person for divorce but looking on the surface (and for children it is obvious even if they do not see it clearly) being unhappy in marriage one side usually enter an affair to help them leave the marriage not always the case but in most cases). The other side suffers and in front of children's eyes.So it's hard for children not to take side. Even tho children do not stop to love blamed parent.
"That women"(my fathers partner) entered relationship with my father while my mum being very sick was still alive. That made me even hate her at first stage when my mum died , but I wonder if that would be different even if she came to my fathers life after mum died. Did I want my father to be happy? I do not know if he was happy but fact that he stayed with her to the rest of his life tells me that he was comfortable in that relationship and after 6 years of rejection I started to accept that fact.I can't understand how anyone would expect child to be happy about parent's happiness with new partner having in mind that parents ruined that child's happiness...I was 18 at the time my mother die and fortunately did not have to deal with "that women" in my life , but younger children and especially adolescents are in for a more and less something like war...
I suspect that you feel that matters would be much better if your daughter had just stuck with it, tried harder, and kept the marriage together whatever the cost, for the benefit of your daughter. Is that right?  

Yes.Especially because almost 5 years after divorce I don't see that ANYONE is happy , not my daughter or her ex husband let alone my granddaughter. When they divorced my daughter told me that same sentence that you repeat here " Child can not be happy if parents are not happy". Now my daughter and her ex deserve what they have now but my granddaughter does not.
   
by vbo on Fri Nov 9th, 2012 at 09:23:01 PM EST
[ Parent ]
Sometimes life sucks. In the end we're all left to do the best we can with the situation at hand.

On the positive side, here's a chance for you to fill in the gap. I mean, that's what grandmothers are for after all. To fill the voids. To find the problem spots, and fill the need. There's lot of ways a loving grandmother can help to ease the suffering felt by a child going through a parents' split. Offering plenty of love. Lending a listening ear whenever she wants to talk about things. Showing empathy and concern for her feelings without putting either parent in a bad light.

I have no statistics to provide you, but I've often heard that children suffer because in their mind they blame themselves for the separation, wrongly thinking that it was something they did that caused it.

Children need to know that grownups have lots of issues between them that are hard to explain and difficult to understand. If you haven't done so already, I hope you can make this clear. The most important thing is for her to know that she is loved by both parents and that their separation had absolutely nothing to do with her. If you can do that, I'm betting with a little time she'll adjust just fine. Good luck to all concerned.

by sgr2 on Sat Nov 10th, 2012 at 08:51:06 AM EST
[ Parent ]
Thank you!
by vbo on Sat Nov 10th, 2012 at 08:58:40 AM EST
[ Parent ]
... do NOT emit judgements about one or the other of the child's parents, in front of the child. Use your influence to stop parents bad-mouthing each other in front of the child.

In my own experience, manipulating children to take revenge on the ex-partner is one of the most harmful things you can do to a child. It seems to be very widespread, and not always done deliberately. Personally I don't like saying bad things about people, so I found it fairy easy to avoid this trap, but I was on the receiving end for quite a while (perhaps I still am, but the children are mature enough to discount it now)

It is rightly acknowledged that people of faith have no monopoly of virtue - Queen Elizabeth II

by eurogreen on Mon Nov 12th, 2012 at 10:07:18 AM EST
[ Parent ]

Display:

Occasional Series