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Look here, I wasn't suggesting that it was a good idea to have sexual relations in front of children with every bozo you meet. If that's what a person is interested in, and they have children, there are always backseats or motels.

OTOH if you are planning to enter into a meaningful relationship with someone, I should think that your selection of a partner would be based on qualities and characteristics that you would find admirable, and because of your high standards for a mate, you would have no problem introducing this person to your children. That's what I meant.

by sgr2 on Sat Nov 10th, 2012 at 07:31:32 AM EST
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Yes that would be OK but in reality it's a little bit different. Lonely women tend to try hard to find right one after divorce/separation. Even if they find someone who would fit those standard, that man may not be ready to commit having in mind that there are children involved.
I am not saying that they would have sex in front of their children but usually they will introduce the man thinking that that is the ONE, they tend to start to live together pretty soon, children may even like him and then he goes away. Children would emotionally attach themselves and then they suffer all over again. That's from what I have read on this forums where they explain their pain being a children of divorced/separated parents.
Your scenario would be perfect one. Reality usually is not perfect. And even with a perfect stepfather/stepmother children would still miss their original family.
When I ask my now 11 year old granddaughter how she is going with stepmother ( partner of her father) she said : I avoid her.And that women is really not bad toward my granddaughter...
by vbo on Sat Nov 10th, 2012 at 08:53:01 AM EST
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Keep this in mind about such forums: they CAN be gathering places for whiners. I don't say this in a mean-spirited way, but as an honest caution.

Naturally, people who did just fine following their parents' divorce (me, my daughter, my siblings, friends of mine, children of friends of mine) don't go to these forums, so you see ONLY those who feel short-changed by life and think of themselves as victims.

It bothers me how often you refer to families no longer having full contact, but I have seen MANY situations in which divorce did not mean a loss of family, but rather an increase in family. A stepparent often means additional siblings, grandparents, etc. My step-grandson thinks of my husband and myself as grandparents just as fully as any other grandparent he has, and my daughter's favorite grandparent was the mother of her step-mother, a woman I loved as well. My dad explained to me once, when I expressed just a bit of jealousy at how much my daughter loved her step-grandmother, that love is not a pie. You don't have just so many pieces to serve. Love is infinite and you can love as many people as there are to love and love them hugely without running out of love to give. This made beautiful sense to me, so I loved the step-grandmother even more for the love and time she gave to my daughter.

I think your most important point is that adults need to act responsibly. Don't parade your "auditioning" partners to your children, don't have your serious arguments in the presence of the kids, explain things to children and encourage their questions, etc. Love and nourish your children, treat them with respect. Behave with maturity and kindness. Everything else is extraneous (what job you have, whether you're divorced, where you live...). Your concern for children is admirable whether I agree with your feelings about divorce or not.

'tis strange I should be old and neither wise nor valiant. From "The Maid's Tragedy" by Beaumont & Fletcher

by Wife of Bath (kareninaustin at g mail dot com) on Tue Nov 20th, 2012 at 02:13:38 AM EST
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