Not that it was in doubt, but Boris won the thrilling contest with 66% of numskulls voting for him.

AN organisation of elderly fascists known as `the Tory grassroots' is to install a megalomaniac man-child as ruler of the UK.

The Conservative party's radicalised membership is expected to install Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson as PM, mainly to annoy lefties but also because to them he is young and impressive.

Party member Mary Fisher, 78, said: "Boris is extremely posh, which is a sign of good character. He's also very rugged and handsome, like a young Mussolini.

"Yes he's simple, but all he's got to do is tell the French and Germans to sod off. How hard can that be for an Old Etonian even in fluent Latin?

Things are going to slide, slide in all directions
Won't be nothing
Nothing you can measure anymore
L. Cohen