Fri Mar 31st, 2006 at 09:02:21 PM EST
There are only two ways to deliver a 700 ton bomb unto your enemy's locale.
One is by freight forwarding -- trains or trucks haul thousands of crates of high explosives to the target. Cranes and forklifts stack them up until one million, four hundred thousand pounds are in place, and then you set it all off at once . . .
Or, you substitute all that tonnage with a small nuclear device . . .
Seven hundred tons of TNT translates to a 0.7 kiloton tactical atomic weapon, affectionately known in the nation building business as a Baby Nuke. They are highly effective for getting your enemy's full attention, and for capturing their hearts and minds by means of seizing the short and curly.
We actually make Baby Nukes right here in America, as small as a 0.3 kiloton yield. They manifest mushroom clouds like the big boys, and are a delight to deliver. You can ship them by missile, plane, cruise missile -- or insert them manually using your Special Forces, Hollywood style. America makes Baby Nukes in the 0.7 kiloton range that this Nevada Boom is meant to emulate. In fact, all you need to do is set the dial for the kiloton yield you want, and then stoke that Launch button. It's just that simple. It's just that easy.
Which method will we use?
Clearly we won't be freight forwarding multiple TNT crates into Iran, so when the time comes, nuking them with as many 0.7 kiloton devices as necessary will simply have to do.
While there is clearly a 'loud warning to Iran' element in this spring's Nevada Boom, the genuine purpose of this freight forwarded blast is to show our military what a Baby Nuke actually does to hardened bunkers below ground. Lots of sensors buried in test bunkers under the Nevada desert will record the effects of the explosion. There will be enough data for countless Powerpoint slides.
Strake? What's a strake?
Our Air Force uses the term 'strake' to indicate that they hope the blast's shock waves will virtually liquefy the seemingly solid ground beneath it, shaking the shit out of everything down there, transforming any personnel and equipment in bunkers below ground into functional non-effectives. If you've ever seen workmen vibrating freshly poured concrete, you've seen what solid ground does during a nuclear blast. It shakes and liquefies it, and to some depth underground, too.
To strake some poor bastards, then, is to shake the shit out of 'em. To transform them into Jell-O versions of themselves, useless thereafter for their intended purpose. Neither the personnel nor their equipment will function as planned after a good straking from above.
The Nevada Boom will also tell our military what they can plausibly claim a 0.7 kiloton Baby Nuke does to hardened bunkers. After we hit Iran with nukes of this size, we can claim we've destroyed all of their hidden bunkers -- and prove the claim with Powerpoint slides from the Nevada Boom showing strake damage to Nevada test facilities.
Of course, the ground is different in different places on earth, so what a Baby Nuke will do to Iran's soil has no direct relation to what a very big stack of TNT will do to Nevada. Alas, there's never any room in sound bites or headlines for that kind of nuance, so our media will just join the military in assuming that Nevada and Iran are the same place. You strake one, you've straked the other. Right?
Besides, no one will ever know what effect our nuclear bombs will have on Iran's underground bunkers. We don't have an Army to occupy that country, to see for ourselves. Iran isn't going to invite us to come see. They're just going to get really busy building some nukes to save themselves from us and Israel.
What makes it Divine?
Why our military wishes to call this freight forwarded stack o' crates bomb 'Divine' we can only guess at. Perhaps they feel God is on our side, ready to smite our enemies as ever and always, and willingly takes top billing for a military orgasm this large.
But it won't be good for me, and it won't be good for you, and it won't be good for Iran or anybody else in this world for Rumsfeld's crusaders to get their rocks off in the Nevada desert or in the Iranian desert later this year. It will just be more military masturbation, waving our big stick at other nations, demanding that the rest of the world service our non-negotiable lifestyle lest we go all nation building on somebody's ass.
We're going to drop Jell-O making nukes on Iran this year, some time after we test and calibrate the strake concept up north of Las Vegas. God is behind this, and everything else our armed forces do.
But Divine Strake? That's puerile euphemism. Pentagonese. It's a Powerpoint title page. No one really talks like that.
So I shall christen this military tool Jehovah's Jell-O Bomb. Isn't that more fun?
Baby Nukes make Jell-O, wherever they go. It's just that easy. It's just that simple.
You, too, can build your nation on Jell-O! All you have to do is defy us. We'll do the rest.