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The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Apocalypse

by dood abides Sat Aug 5th, 2006 at 10:46:19 AM EST


This is dedicated to one of my favorite authors, Douglas Adams, may he rest in peace... He was a true comedic genius, IMHO... This one was scary the way that it pretty well wrote itself... sorry about the margins, and don't forget your towel...


Martyr Dense - A Connecticut Yankee who has found himself completely in over his head in his dealings and support for the government. He is on a quest to restore his home planet from its total destruction, and find his heartthrob Shillian.

Fraud Perfect - Martyr's new friend who in actuality is a roughly female alien. She spends her time negotiating and updating the immensely unpopular "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Apocalypse". She also has some type of close relationship with Ipod Feebleproxy, the outlaw president of the Galaxy. She rescues Martyr just as his cherished planet Earth is destroyed.

Shillian - Formerly known as Laura Welch, she met Martyr at a party once, but was swept off her feet by Ipod Feebleproxy. She now wanders the universe with Ipod in his stolen ship Oil Force One.

Ipod Feebleproxy - Outlaw president of the Galaxy, who stole the last two elections as well as his current state of the art ship, Oil Force One. Ipod has two heads, one of which he always keeps concealed in the small of his back under his jacket. Ipod loves groping both men and women and has a fondness for Pan-Arctic Petroleum Blasters.

Mehlman the Manic/Psychotic Android - Mehlman accompanies Ipod throughout his adventures. Mehlman always takes an unusually optimistic and rosy outlook to everything that Ipod says or does.

Falwella Caballa - A religious cult leader, and Ipod's mortal enemy. It was with Falwella that Ipod stole his first election, and then reneged on the deal. Now he needs Falwella's help again as he searches for the legendary world of Arimathea.

Olmertibarkslast - One of the original designers of the planet Isralia, Olmertibarkslast enjoys creating and destroying boundaries.

Pustular Coultok - Pustular is the insulting and vindictive vice president of the Galaxy. She is in love with Ipod and very jealous of Shillian. She alternately rails against Ipod and those who disagree with him.

Prosthetic Hallibogon Dick - The Hallibogon charged with the destruction and reconstruction of Earth to make way for an oil stove-pipeline. Hallibogons are a sadistic race of creatures that fear creative thought and change, and are entirely motivated by profit. Prosthetic Dick enjoys torturing anyone who even disagrees with him, and does so by reading aloud his own interpretations of the constitution to them.


Martyr Dense is one day awakened in his sleepy little state of Connecticut by his relatively new friend Fraud Perfect. He is distraught because he is about to face a humiliating defeat in an upcoming senatorial primary. Also, his house is scheduled to be confiscated and destroyed by the city, thanks to legislation that he supported in Congress. Fraud tells him that his home and losing election bid are unimportant as the apocalypse is about to begin anyway. She convinces him to hitch a ride aboard the Hallibogon Deconstructor Ship "Heart of Greed" at the last minute, before the world is plunged into Armageddon. Martyr watches helplessly as everything that he felt to be true is proven a lie.

Fraud and Martyr are discovered by Prosthetic Hallibogon Dick, stowed away aboard the Hallibogon ship. Prosthetic Dick has them brought to him and tortures them cruelly and incessantly by reading aloud his interpretations of the constitution and views on the unitary executive. Just as they are about to be waterboarded, Fraud and Martyr are rescued by Ipod Feebleproxy and Shillian aboard Oil Force One.

Fraud, Martyr, Ipod, and Shillian, along with Mehlman the Manic/Psychotic Android then set out for the fabled land of Arimathea. Arimathea is, in actuality, the home of a gigantic social experiment called "Deep Chaos" which is designed to ferret out all of the answers to the ultimate question of "Oil?"

Along the way, Ipod discovers that the only person who can help him is his nemesis Falwella Cabala. Falwella insists that Ipod bring him back the dreaded "changing-point-of-view gun" in return. Falwella also removes Ipod's second head, the one that enjoys groping and drinking, from the small of his back and holds it hostage until Ipod returns with the gun.

As the group departs Falwella's temple, Shillian is captured by a group of Hallibogons commandeered by Vice President Pustular Coultok. Pustular is determined to recapture the rogue Ipod and bring him back around to her way of thinking.

Martyr, Fraud, Ipod, and Mehlman are forced to journey to Rovesphere, the Hallibogons home planet in order try to have Shillian presidentially pardoned. They discover to their dismay that they are harassed by indigenous underground blogplants that jump up and smack down anyone thinking outside of specific talking points. Shillian is due to be fed to the Horrendous Small-Bladdered Beast of Israel, but is eventually awarded a Medal of Freedom and rescued.

During her captivity, Shillian learns that Ipod himself authorized the apocalypse that destroyed the earth in a fit of vanity, by scribbling on the Hallibogon Deconstruction order "Is there time for a bathroom break... Ipod Feebleproxy".

The reunited group boards Oil Force One and flees to Arimethea with Vice President Pustular and the Hallibogons in hot pursuit. Upon arriving at Arimethea the group is divided.

Martyr winds up meeting Olmertibarkslast on the Democracy factory floor, and he is shown Earth MKII, a complete back up copy of the earth before the Apocalypse. He is shown his newly reconstructed home back in Connecticut.

Fraud, Ipod, and Shillian, in the meantime, locate the remains of the gigantic social experiment "Deep Chaos" and find the prized "changing-point-of-view gun". Shillian turns the gun on Ipod in an effort to show him her displeasure with their relationship and the destruction of the earth. To her surprise the gun has no effect. This is due to the fact that Ipod really has no point of view to change since his second head is missing from the small of his back and unable to tell him what to do.

The group is finally reunited on Earth MKII in Martyr's house in Connecticut. It is there that they come to realize that the entire Earth is a gigantic Geo-political experiment run by moles which is designed to uncover the answers to the original ultimate question of "Oil?" posed by "Deep Chaos". The moles make an appearance and debate over whether to pick Martyr's brain in an effort to answer the question, but eventually decide that it would be pointless.

The party exits Martyr's house only to find that they are surrounded by a Hallibogon battalion armed with a no-bid contract and overwhelming firepower. In the ensuing firefight the group is pinned down inside a parade float depicting Ipod kissing Martyr. Mehlman is wounded, but is able to pick up the "changing-point-of-view gun" and fire it at the Hallibogons. They are instantly transformed into maniacal brainless sycophants echoing Mehlman's praises of Ipod. Ipod is reunited in a clumsy ménage a trois with Vice President Pustular and Shillian, with a confused and jealous Fraud waiting in the wings.

The group heads off aboard Oil Force One for Pan-Arctic Petroleum Blasters at one of Ipod's favorite nightspots... The Restaurant at the Beginning of the Rapture...

Martyr, exhausted by his travels decides to stay behind in his new home and cheerfully face his re-election defeat. He looks longingly forward to his quiet new career as a telephone receiver sanitizer with the Connecticut branch of Bell Systems...


"Generosity, Ethics, Patience, Effort, Concentration, and Wisdom"
by dood abides on Sat Aug 5th, 2006 at 10:46:52 AM EST
Giddy up.

Point n'est besoin d'espérer pour entreprendre, ni de réussir pour persévérer. - Charles le Téméraire
by marco on Sat Aug 5th, 2006 at 12:53:15 PM EST
I like this one too... ; )

"Generosity, Ethics, Patience, Effort, Concentration, and Wisdom"
by dood abides on Sat Aug 5th, 2006 at 01:01:43 PM EST
[ Parent ]
The pictures in this diary gave me nightmares last night.

Point n'est besoin d'espérer pour entreprendre, ni de réussir pour persévérer. - Charles le Téméraire
by marco on Sat Aug 5th, 2006 at 09:45:27 PM EST
[ Parent ]
In two words: awe-some.

Nothing is 'mere'. — Richard P. Feynman
by Migeru (migeru at eurotrib dot com) on Sat Aug 5th, 2006 at 06:52:25 PM EST
I'm particularly impressed with how well you managed to get Dubbya in as Beeblebrox, and Cheney as a Vorgon!
by Alex in Toulouse on Sat Aug 5th, 2006 at 07:35:25 PM EST
Love it!

I can swear there ain't no heaven but I pray there ain't no hell. _ Blood Sweat & Tears
by Gringo (stargazing camel at aoldotcom) on Sun Aug 6th, 2006 at 01:20:31 PM EST

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