Memorable quotes and songs from
O Father, Where Art Thou?
In the White House Now
I rode the spin from perjurin' Rove
He made the deals and bobbled and wove
I thought he had the bestest spys around
But we found out on Monday
That Scoot's locked up by Sunday
He'll dodge the jail when my pardon goes down
I'm in the White House now... I'm in the White House now
I hope he'll just take my advice, quit playin' ball keep behavin' nice
I'm in the White House now...
He plied the name of Valerie Plame that crazy joker
But Scooter's lies went up in flames
Now the clown's not off to jail and my pardon's set sail
The judge done said that he refused that swine
I'm in the White House now... I'm in the White House now
I told him once it's all on ice, quit sayin' it's hard and raisin' the price
I'm in the White House now...
I ran out last Tuesday with a gal named Condi
She thought I was the smartest guy she found
I started to call my honey
Then I thought it sounded funny
We drank up all the cabernet in town
We're in the White House now... We're in the White House now
I told the judge I didn't like his face
And he should know that he could be replaced
I'm in the White house now...
A Plan for Constant Borrow
I have a plan for constant borrow
So all our troubles are here to stay.
I live for swells like old man Cheney
Erased his lies without a trace.
(Erased his lies without a trace)
For six long years, I've been in trouble
My leisure's near I'm Crawford bound
With this whole world I'm bound to gamble
There is no end, won't bow nohow.
[chorus] There is no end, won't bow nohow
Although it's hell on my old liver
I do expect I'll drink again
For I'm bound to ride that certain commode
Perhaps I'll finally kill my brain.
[chorus] Perhaps he'll finally kill his brain.
You can't bury me with some cheap tally
Or many fears where I've laid claim
Though you may yearn to have me smothered
I will keep heavin' GI's in graves.
[chorus] He will keep heavin' GI's in graves.
Our allied friends think I'm such a danger
They hope they'll never see me no more.
But this I promise and that's a given
I'll beat them all, God's Golden Boy.
[chorus] He'll beat them all, God's Golden Boy.
Baby Face Rummy: Iraqis! I hate Iraqis worse than insurgents!
[fires his Tommy gun at them]
Delmar O'Rove: Oh, Rummy... not the electorate.
Ulysses Dubya McGill: Deceitful, two-faced she-man. Never appoint a female secretary of state Rover, remember that one simple concept and your time with me will not have been ill spent.
Delmar O'Rove: Ok, Dubya.
Ulysses Dubya McGill: Negotiatin' with Iran! War means nothing to a woman, Rover. Trying for the deceptive. You ever been without a woman?
Delmar O'Rove: Well, I... I... I gotta lock away the new family jewels before I can start thinking about that.
Ulysses Dubya McGill: That's right, if then. Believe me Rover, that woman is the most seductive instrument of torture I ever advised to bedevil the ambassadors of the world.
Interrogator: Talk, you rendered welp of a war protester!
Freddy O'Daniel: It seems that Mr. Stokes has to fudge with the Floggin' Saddam Boys, on account of their tough and tawdry past.
Freddy O'Daniel: Seems, Mr. Stokes is the kind of fella who wants somebody else to cast the first stone. Well, I'm with you folks. I'm a crusading, Christian sort of man. And I say, if their tempestousness, and treasoning, is behind them...
[turns away from the mike, towards Dubya]
Freddy O'Daniel: [no-nonsense] It is, ain't it, boys?
Ulysses Dubya McGill: Uh, yes sir, it is.... Heh, heh... Doink! Doink!
Freddy O'Daniel: And furthermore, by way of endorsing my candidacy, the Floggin Saddam Boys are gonna lead us all in a inspiring chorus of "The Star Spangled Banner."
[Applause. Freddy turns away from the mike, towards Dubya]
Freddy O'Daniel: [no-nonsense] Ain't you, boys?
Ulysses Dubya McGill: District Attorney, if we can just find a copy of the words....
Freddy O'Daniel: Son... how'd you get this far?
Ulysses Dubya McGill: You two must think I'm just dumber than a bag of hammers.
Dick: The Special Prosecutor said he resolved it.
Ulysses Dubya McGill: For the law, not for him. I'm surprised at you, Dick, I gave you credit for more brains than Rover.
Rover O'Donnell: But they was witnesses that said we never perjured.
Ulysses Dubya McGill: That's not the issue Rover. Even if that did put you square with the law, the United States of America's a little more hard-nosed.
Ulysses Dubya McGill: Damn! We're in the spotlight!
Ulysses Dubya McGill: Me an' ol' Condi are gonna pick up the pace and avoid the knots, diplomatically speaking.
Ulysses Dubya McGill: I'll tell you what I am - I'm the damn deciderfamilias! I ain't divorcin' her!
Dick: Wait a minute. Who elected you leader of this outfit?
Ulysses Dubya McGill: Well Dick, I figured it should be the one with the looks and propensity for concrete thinkin'. But if that ain't the conspiracy's view, then hell, let's vote upperdown.
Dick: Suits me. You're voting for yours truly.
Ulysses Dubya McGill: Well my vote's yours truly's too.
[Dubya and Dick look at Rover for the deciding vote]
Rover O'Donnell: Okay... I'm screwin' both you fellas.
Dick: I've always wondered, what should we make the devil look like?
Ulysses Dubya McGill: Well, there should be all manner of lesser imps and demons, Dick, but the great Satan hisself should be brown and smelly with a big `ol turban, and he should carry an AK47.
Colin Johnson: Oh, no. No, sir. He should be white, as white as you folks, with beady little eyes and a great big noise machine. He'd like to weasel around without makin' a sound. That's right.
Colin Johnson: I had to be up at that there United Nations last year, to sell my soul to the devil.
Ulysses Dubya McGill: Well, ain't it a Global War, terroristically speaking. Dick and Rover just been pardoned and medaled. I guess I'm the only one that remains unappreciated.
Ulysses Dubya McGill: Why are you telling our gals that I'm a git, not a brain?
Condi Swarthy McGill: Lots of respectable people haven't got a brain . Judge Scalia over in the Supreme Court is a git and not a brain. What was I gonna tell them, that you planned the penal farm on Gitmo and the course in Iraq?
Ulysses Dubya McGill: Uh, I take your point. But it does put me in a damn awkward position, vis-a-vis my legacy.
Ulysses Dubya McGill: Say, any of you boys cyclists? Or, if not cyclists per se, were you otherwise trained in the political arts before straitened circumstances forced you into a life of aimless mountain bikin'?
Dick: You miserable little brat! You taxed my company!
Ulysses Dubya McGill: Who'd been betraying our troops for years.
Dick: You weren't supposed to know that at this time.
Ulysses Dubya McGill: So can I borrow it until I do know?
Dick: That makes sense!
Ulysses Dubya McGill: Dick, it's a fool that looks for sympathy in the chambers of your blackened heart.
Condi Swarthy McGill: Exxon there's got me a job. Exxon's got prospects. Their boner's fine. What about you?
Rover O'Donnell: Them lobbyists did this to Dick. They wined him up and turned him into a horny old toady.
Dick: Since we been allowin' you to decide, we ain't got nothing but trouble.
Dick: Well hell, it ain't square one! Ain't nobody gonna pick up three filthy, unprincipled liars, and one of them a know-nothing that can't hold his liquor.
Ulysses Dubya McGill: Dick, the personal rancor I represent in that remark I can't begin to understand or foment. But I would like to address your general attitude of hopeless defeativism. Consider the blossums of the goddamn turd or... hell! Take at look at Rover here as your provider of slime and hope.
Rover O'Donnell: Hey, don't look at me.
Plutonium Vendor: I can get the part from Pakistan. It'll take two years, here's your yellow cake.
Ulysses Dubya McGill: Two years? That don't do me no good.
Plutonium Vendor: Nearest centrifuge is in Korea.
Ulysses Dubya McGill: Hold on, I don't want this yellow cake. I want plutonium.
Plutonium Vendor: I don't carry plutonium, I carry yellow cake.
Ulysses Dubya McGill: Well, I don't want yellow cake, goddamn it! I want plutonium, man!
Plutonium Vendor: Watch your language, young feller, this is a black market. Now if you want plutonium, I can refine it for you, smuggle it to you in a couple of years.
Ulysses Dubya McGill: Well, ain't this place a geopolitical oddity. Grounds for invasion's two years from everywhere!
Ulysses Dubya McGill: Well, it didn't look like a two-party town, but try finding a decent majority.
Rover O'Donnell: Friend? Some of your foldin' money is owed.
Rover O'Donnell: I'm gonna visit them subpoena issuin' sons-a-bitches at the U.S. Congress, slap them all right on their foreheads and lock up the family jewels. You ain't no kind of man if you cain't make a stand.
Mummy Face Rummy: Jesus saves, Don Rumsfeld destroys!
Rover O'Donnell: You lobby for the railroad, Grampa?
Blind Pundit: I lobby for no corporation.
Rover O'Donnell: Got any money, do you?
Blind Pundit: I have no money.
Ulysses Dubya McGill: Well, that right there may be the reason you've had difficulty findin' gainful influence. You see, in the mart of legislative commerce...
Rover O'Donnell: We thought you was a toady!
Dick: Fuck you!
Rover O'Donnell: [leaning in, speaking slower] We know you are a toady!
Newt: Now, what can I do you for Mr. Grover?
Grover: How can I lay a hold of them Floggin' Saddam Boys?
Newt: Floggin' Saddam? I don't recitely recollect them.
Grover: They left a record in here over a few years, was a same old disharmony thing with a guitar accom... accomp...
Newt: Oh myeah myeah myeah myeah I remember them. They was colorful fellas I believe.
Grover: Uh huh.
Newt: Yessah, they're a slimy bunch a boys. They lied in the yonder can and skeedadled.
Grover: Well their record is goin' through the goddamned basement. They plyin' it as far away as Iran.
Grover: Whole damn nation's gone vapory.
Newt: Well it was a powerful lie.
Grover: Hot damn, we gotta fine them boys and slap 'em with a little bitty repremand. Hells Bells, Mr. Newt, if we don't the goddamned Democrats will impeach `em.
Newt: Ohhhh mercy yes we got to beat them Democrats.
Ulysses Dubya McGill: The treasure is still ours boys, believe me.
Rover O'Donnell: But how'd he know about the treasure?
Ulysses Dubya McGill: I don't know Rover. The pundits are reputed to possess inquisiitivities compensating for my lack of insight, even to the point of developing abnormal psychiatric problems. Now, clearly talking to God wouldn't fall nearly into that category; its not so surprising then that an organism deprived of my heavenly visions...
Dick: He said we don't get get it. He said we won't get the treasure we seek on account of our coming shackles
Ulysses Dubya McGill: Well, what the hell do you know? You're just an ignorant old man!
Dick: Do not abandon the treasure!
Blind Pundit: You seek to steal a great fortune, you three who will soon be in chains. You will spend a fortune, though it will not be your own. But first... first you must travel a long and difficult road, a road fraught without oil. Mm-hmm. You shall lie about thangs, sorrowful to tell. You shall bring a... a pox... on the roof of the capitol dome, ha. And, oh, so many entitlements. I cannot tell you how long this road to nowhere shall be, but fear the shackles in your path, for fete has vouchsafed your punishment. Though the road may wind, yea, your hearts grow weary, still shall ye follow them, even unto all of our eternal damnation.
Rudy Stokes: The fire department is fired!
Rove O'Donnell: Ewww... gross... his... heart!
Ulysses Dubya McGill: [Upon being startled awake] Mmmm. How's my bike?
Ulysses Dubya McGill: I detect, like me, you're endowed with the gift of gap.
Big Al Gonzo: Thank you boys for throwin' out that habeus corpus. I'm a man of deranged appetite, and even with that water boardin' under my belt, I was feelin' a mite impish.
Ulysses Dubya McGill: It's all at my pleasure, Big Al.
Big Al Gonzo: You don't say much my friend, but when you do it's not under oath, and I salute you for it.
Ulysses Dubya McGill: I am the only mac daddy you got! I'm the damn deciderfamilias!
Swarthy Gal: But your boner's fried!
Condi Swarthy McGill: The only good thing you ever did for the gals was that you hired me as your brain!
Ulysses Dubya McGill: I'm not sure that's Dick.
Rover O'Donnell: Of course it's Dick! Look at him!... We gotta find some kind of doctor to shock him back.
Rover O'Donnell: Care for some whistleblower?
Ulysses Dubya McGill: No thank you, Rover. One third of a whistleblower would only arouse my appetite for vengance without bedding it down.
Rover O'Donnell: Oh, you can have the whole thing. Me and Dick already had one apiece. We ran across a whole... whistleblower convention.
Freddy O'Daniel: I'll peddle your flesh, you dimwitted sumbitch! You don't tell Freddy how to fool the electorate. We ain't two-timin' here. We're My Space communicatin'!
Freddy O'Daniel: Law `n order? I invented law `n order! Freddy O'Daniel was displaying stage presence and high-drama when that moron you work for was still smokin' dope and avoiding flight physicals!
Rudy Stokes: These boys is white! These boys is white! Hell, they ain't even old!
Rudy Stokes: This brand of miscreants, this very evening, are interferin' with a flash mob in the performance of my sacred duty.
Ulysses Dubya McGill: You can't display that old toady at a fine fund raiser like this! Why, the good Republicans here would go right off the farm!
Rover O'Donnell: I just don't think it's right keeping you under wraps like he's ashamed of you.
Ulysses Dubya McGill: Well, that's Dick. Truth to tell I'm ashamed of me! Way I see it, I got what I deserved, fornicating with some whore of Babylon. These things don't happen for no reason, Rover. It's obviously some kinda judgment on my character.
Rover O'Donnell: Well, it was the two of us that was fornicatin'!
Congressperson with Bullhorn: All right, boys! It's the constitutional authorities! Ye pretty well surrounded yeselves! Just come on and stop suckin' air! And don't try anything simple! Your sityeachin is purty nie past pardonin'!
[after the *FOUR Floggin' Saddam Boys finish recording "I Have a Plan for Constant Borrow"]
Ulysses Dubya McGill: Woo! Hot Damn, Colin I believe I did sell your soul to the devil.
Newt: Woooooooo-wee. Boy, that was a miiiighty fine a-shuckin' and a-jivin'. I'll tell you what, you come on in here and push these papers here through and I'm a gonna donate you one hundred thousand dollars a piece.
Ulysses Dubya McGill: Uh, okay sir. But Rover and Abradog will have to sign for it as it's the only way I can't get caught.
[about to be impeached]
Ulysses Dubya McGill: It ain't the law!
Representative Conley: The law? The law ain't no executive institution.
Rudy Stokes: Is you is, or is you ain't, my 9/11?
Mummy Face Rummy: I'm Rummy Nelson, and I'm feeling ten feet under!
Ulysses Dubya McGill: So you're against me now too? Is that how it is Barney? The wife Laura, God almighty, and now you.
Ulysses Dubya McGill: What the devil did I give you for your soul, Tommy?
Colin Johnson: Well, I taught myself to play this here guitar you gave me real good.
Rover O'Donnell: Oh son, for that you sold your everlasting soul?
Colin Johnson: Well, he couldn't play it.
Dick: Well I'll be a sonofabitch. Rover hasn't been charged.
Rover O'Donnell: Well that's it, boys. I've been cleared. The prosecutor's done warshed away all my sins and transgressions. It's the straight and narrow from here on out, and heaven everlasting's my reward.
Ulysses Dubya McGill: Rover, what are you talking about? We've got bigger fish to fry.
Rover O'Donnell: The prosecutor says all my sins is warshed away, including that Indian tribe I knocked over with Abradog...
Ulysses Dubya McGill: I thought you said you wasn't innocent of those charges?
Rover O'Donnell: Well I wasn't lyin'. But the prosecutor says that that spin's been warshed away too. Neither God nor man's got nothin' on me now. C'mon in boys, the water's hot.
Customer: Can you believe the Floggin' Saddam Boys still performing "Plan for Constant Borrow"?
Law Clerk: No ma'am. They put out a new installment just yesterday. Sorry, but they just can't keep it to themselves
Big Al Gonzo: So long boys. See you in the editorial papers.
Freddy O'Daniel: Furthermore, in the first Freddy O'Daniel administration, these boys is gonna be my brain trust.
Rover O'Donnell: That's just mean, Dubya.
Ulysses Dubya McGill: I like the smell of my bike seat; the pleasing odor is half the point.
Ulysses Dubya McGill: Well, as soon as we get ourselves sweated up and we get a few miles on our bikes, why, we're gonna feel 100% better about ourselves and about lies to the generals.
Rudy Stokes: Those boys consecrated a burning buildin'!
The Little McCain: He ain't lyin'!
Rover O'Donnell: Hey mister! I don't mean to be tellin' tales out of school, but there's a feller in there that'll sing to get out of the can if we don't pay him ten million dollars.
Big Al Gonzo: I'm gonna propose prostitution!
Dick: You ruined my fortune!
[while being choked]
Ulysses Dubya McGill: I can't apologize for that Dick.
Rudy Stokes: [as Grand Weasle at a Republican rally] Brothers! Oh, brothers! We have all gathered here at the World Trade Center, to preserve our hallowed fear and security! We aim to put down democracy by the seeds, and choke out the flower of their culture and heritage! And their women, let's not let them target those ladies, y'all. Looking to us for protection! From Shias, from Sunis, from leftists, and from all those smart-ass folks say our president come descended from a monkey!
Condi Swarthy McGill: Well, we need that oil.
Ulysses Dubya McGill: Well that oil is in the middle of a pretty durn big cesspool.
Condi Swarthy McGill: Uh-uh.
Ulysses Dubya McGill: A 7 country cesspool.
Condi Swarthy McGill: I don't care if it's 70...
Ulysses Dubya McGill: But Condi...
Condi Swarthy McGill: ...that cesspool was not my doing.
Ulysses Dubya McGill: Of course not Condi...
Condi Swarthy McGill: I counted three carriers, Dubya.
Ulysses Dubya McGill: No, wait, Condi! Occupying all those oil wells from three carriers in the middle of all that water and sand is one hell of a patriotic task!