We are allowed a month or so at the end of each year to screw around without consequence - beyond a few extra pounds and a week spent under the covers with nightmare hangover/flu/headcold/seasonal depression/credit card bills terror, all for which we are completely forgiven.  Forgiven because the post-holiday period is weirdly the one time each year we're allowed to act like Communists: from each according to his abilities, to each according to his needs.  We go from Jesus Christ to Marx in, like, a week.  Everyone's sympathetic and showing solidarity, a result of the Christmas leftovers of emotional mania and the misery-loves company situation prompted by all the bad weather.  But -poof!- then we're just expected to return to cruel reality like none of this mass good will & debauchery just happened.  Suddenly matters like health and productivity are taken very seriously, just because it's January 14th!  The same people who were shoving chocolate cake and champagne down your gullet are now lecturing you by way of detailing their new gym memberships and bragging about the financial planning seminar they've signed up for, asking what your resolutions are.  Cake was not ok, then it was, now it isn't.  Strangers shoved past each other, then sang weird songs to each other, now ignore each other.  Needless spending was dangerous, then mandatory, now forbidden.  Shit, everyone was freaking out because of low consumer spending and now everyone is freaking out because there is a recession and no one has any savings!!!  I'm so deeply confused.  And confusion is a form of systematic torture and oppression.  Therefore I've deemed this an affront to my human rights.  I'm calling the UN.  Or the "Institute of Democracy and Cooperation."  They probably can't help much beyond launching a campaign to promote the observance of the Old Russian holidays, delaying my suffering for like a week or so, but a disillusioned American has to be an asset to Russian Think Tank, right?  So I'll probably get a better hearing from them than from the UN, the virtual flypaper for disillusioned Americans.

What does this have to do with anything?  Besides forcing you to rethink your ideas about human rights?  Well, I was going to write a new Odds & Ends some time ago.  But then I didn't.  Because I felt no compulsion to be productive.  I felt only the compulsion to eat cake and swill champagne and read (ok, not "read," exactly) Time Magazine.  I was slacking off because I could.  Now back in reality such a devil may care attitude leaves a residue of guilt.  Guilt compounded by the cake and champagne and Time Magazine (is there anything we can NOT blame on Vladimir Putin?)  So now I'm all "holding myself to a higher standard," and ...  TOO MUCH HAS HAPPENED.  This is the blogosphere: You can't take a break!  Either the work will pile up into a mountain of international Kremlin intrigues and bizarre EnglishRussia videos, or whatever matter of significance you had bookmarked on Dec. 17th will have already been analyzed to bloody death.  Fuck.

1.  Here and There  

For example, I had wanted to note the continuing Chicago/Moscow eerie parallel universe phenomenon thing.  Questionable democratic process a.k.a dictatorship, police beating and arresting protest marchers, gangsters and jazz and blues, new mind-blowing sky-scrapers going up all the time, too bloody cold...  Ok, nothing new in that.  But it doesn't stop there.  The blog, Scraps of Moscow, spent the holidays in .... Chicago.   The other day I turned on the radio station Ekho Moskvy to stumble upon a talk show about ... Chicago.  (The commenters were not entirely ill-informed, but were, er, curiously informed, giving me lots of insight into how someone from Moscow might react to anything I say about their town.  Freaking me out.)  And, as if to prove definitively that these cities were separated at birth, University of Chicago economists have found that in Chicago, prostitutes are more likely to sleep with police than be arrested by them...  

2. Politics and Punditry

And of course, I'd planned to discuss politics, Russian and American, and the strange dark alleys where they clandestinely meet.  Like the recent articles "Ron Paul wins in Transdniestria" and "Putin for president ... of the United States."  (No, I did not author that last one.  I must have a clone.)  And Hillary Clinton, in an attempt to win the crucial anti-KGB vote, declared that Putin has no soul.  You might think she'd lose my vote after such blatant Vlad-bashing.  On the contrary, the fact that I'd vote for either of them speaks to my moral consistency!  Continuing on the topic of poor Vovka's under-appreciated soul, Sean's Russia Blog has compiled a Greatest Hits of reportage on the subject.   Priceless:

While Matthews thought Putin's soul, if he indeed had one, to be colorless, Itar-Tass thought that its nature was best found in Putin's love for animals. In a report titled "Putin Bares Soul on Animal Rights in Letter to Brigitte Bardot," Putin was said to have told the French actress, "[Animals] live alongside with us on our planet, on our land and their fate depends on us to a large degree. That is why people must always behave in a humane way both towards other people and towards animals" ( Itar-Tass, 1/5/2000). By February 2000, Putin's soul went beyond a warmness for animals and began showing its political side. The Financial Times' John Thornhill declared that the approaching Presidential elections signaled that "the battle for Vladimir Putin's political soul was intensifying" ( FT, 2/8/2000). Putin won that battle but not without the help of some "dead souls" reported the Moscow Times (9/9/2000).

How can he not have a soul?  He has a "warmness" for animals and beautiful French women!  And he quotes poets like Tyutchev: "Russia cannot be understood with the mind, nor its land measured by the acre. It is a special case. You can only believe in Russia."  If he doesn't have a soul, then he's gotta be the Devil.  

Getting back to Clinton for a minute, I saw the following headline and wanted to scream:
"Clinton's style clashes with 'The Rules' of dating."

OMGWTF, what century is this?!  Then I read it.  

What we want from Clinton is the impossible. We want her to pursue the nomination without looking like a pursuer.

We want, on some level, for her to win the White House according to the dating guide "The Rules" -- acting aloof to the point of indifference. We might even want her to borrow a page from "Bridget Jones' Diary," in which the heroine resolves not to "sulk about having no boyfriend, but develop inner poise and authority and sense of self as woman of substance, complete without boyfriend, as best way to obtain boyfriend." As counterintuitive as it sounds, we want Clinton to assure us that she has plenty of other fish to fry if things don't go her way. The problem is, political campaigns aren't won by following "The Rules." That's why we may be further from electing a female president than we'd care to admit.

Preach it, sister.  This just makes me want to go vote for her twice.  And I can do that.  Being in Chicago.  Is it wrong of me to vote for someone out of pure feminist righteous indignation?  Surely it is.  Surely it is just as wrong as it is to sexually objectify a male politician.  

Speaking of sexual objectification, feminism and uhm, French chicks, on the 100 year anniversary of her birth, there's a bit of brouhaha about Simone de Beauvoir's bottom:
"Still the second sex? Simone de Beauvoir centenary"

The publication this week of a female bottom on the cover of a serious news magazine, Le Nouvel Observateur, has caused, nevertheless, something of a stir. The bare bottom belonged to Simone de Beauvoir, writer, philosopher and seculargoddess of feminism, who was born 100 years ago today.

One feminist organisation complained that, by illustrating the centenary of Mme de Beauvoir's birth with a nude photograph taken in 1952, the intelligent, centre-left magazine had "assaulted the dignity of women".

Sixty years after she wrote one of the most influential feminist books, Le Deuxième Sexe, Simone de Beauvoir has managed to become a "cover cutie". Are women still regarded as the "second sex" in France?

Florence Montreynaud is one of France's best known feminist authors. She has written about the unusual lifelong love affair and friendship between Beauvoir and the existentialist philosopher, Jean-Paul Sartre.

"My first thought on seeing the magazine was that they would never have considered putting a picture of Sartre's bottom on the front of Le Nouvel Observateur," she said. "Luckily, perhaps. Then my second thought was 'what a fine bottom'. No male philosopher I can think of would have had such a lovely bottom. Mme de Beauvoir had a brilliant mind. She also had a wonderful body. Women win on both counts."

Is the cover offensive to her legacy?  Well, the irony is rich indeed, and it only subtly hints at her work on the existentialist concepts of Dasein and The Other as they relate to the female experience.  On the other hand, I'm firmly in the "It's ok to be a feminist and look great naked" camp.  Also, the Time Magazine cover was nice and all, but I can't wait for VVP's centenary.  :)

Back to Vladimir Vladimirovich...

Last month there was an article in the IHT entitled, The myth of Putin's success, presenting the argument that Russia has actually declined under his leadership.  I'd like to pause for one moment and reflect on the effectiveness of using orthodox western standards to measure the relative success of a country whose entire history probably would not be considered "successful" by these standards, and which has probably only approached our peculiar concept of "success" in the last 10 years.  And to note that "success" is as much a matter of perception (just look at the US primary battles) as it is of hard numbers.  That said, it's one thing for me to dismiss the article as drivel written by someone who just can't handle Putin's fabulousness.  It's quite another to debunk it based on its misuse of statistics.  This site rocks! Anyone who writes the words: "A Kremlinologist in Dire Need of Econ 101 Textbook" gets my vote.  Are you running for anything, Fedia? Russia In The Media, how much do I love thee?  Let me count the ways...  Actually, having dabbled here and there in amateur so-called Kremlinology myself, it's true I'm no good at all with numbers.  I'll just say, it's a lot.

Ok.  Now all of you real-life economists are going to debunk the debunking, I know.  But, before you do that, I will try to divert you with this delicious bit of entertainment:

The 10 Commandments of Punditry.  This would be funny if it were not true.

3.  Science & Technology  

But you see, I also had some curious science-related items I wanted to include on top of all that hard-hitting political analysis.  How on earth can I possibly fit everything in to this diary space, which convention dictates take no longer to read -AND I DO EXPECT YOU TO READ EVERY LAST FREAKING WORD- than it would take to, say, build a bridge?  I will have to make the rest of this really quick, like the Russian scrap metal thieves whole stole a 200-tonne metal bridge in the middle of the night.  Wow!  They really set the bar high over there, even for criminals.  Our thieves are completely incompetent.  I think we need to revisit the definition of "success," Mr. McFaul...   Anyway, Putin wants to double the federal expenditure on science.  I suppose some of that will go to fund their search for life on Jupiter's moon Europa.  It would be very cool if Russia found some aliens, but how do you top last year's hot outer-space Russian cockroach sex experiment?  Have they jumped the nauchnyi shark, do you think?  Also in "Russians in space" news, you can watch a cosmonaut drink vodka in zero gravity here.  

Back on earth, Putin recently honored the scientists who planted a Russian flag under the North Pole.  The flag-planting provoked criticism and accusations of imperialism from Western observers.  However, the north pole itself does not seem to be complaining.  On the contrary, it is literally moving rapidly closer to Russia!  I think that's one custody battle we are going to lose, making Russia 2 for 2 in the polar "who's your daddy?" competition.  That's right, scientists in a remote (like, more remote than normal) part of Antarctica recently stumbled upon a gigantic bust of ... Lenin!  Here we thought Castro and Chavez oversaw the last outposts of the Red Menace.  Looks like we have a Soviet penguin colony on our hands.  Like the soldier in the dense jungle who don't find out the war is over until decades after the fact, the march of the penguins/ Communism carries on...  Anyone have a good "Cold War" joke?  

Completely unrelated, except for the "wtf?" factor, Uganda is sending 300 monkeys to Russia.  OMG: They actually listened to me!  Jesus, this thing has a wider readership than I'd realized.  Uhm, I was kidding.  Don't send the monkeys to Russia for experimentation, please.  I mean, who cares if you screw with a cockroach or two or Leninize some penguins, but please let's stop going all Dr. Mengele on our fellow mammals.  Hm.  I though Putin loved the little animals.  Or was that just some seriously lame-ass excuse to ingratiate himself with Brigitte Bardot?  Men...  In other animal rights news, both the European Food Safety Agency and FDA have declared it safe to eat cloned meat.  Uhm.  Is it just me, or did we skip a logical step in the "Do we have the technology to clone a sheep?" - "Can we eat it?" thought process?  I'm thinking of the "What might be the ETHICAL IMPLICATIONS of cloning animals?" bit.  We are like two year olds: obsessed with figuring out how things work and wanting to eat them.  At what stage in the human evolution process do we get to learn right from wrong?  Oh, and, speaking of clones, have you rented "4" yet?  Good luck getting it.  I don't know how many copies Netflix has, but I've gone and lost the envelope, so until I figure out how to send it back, they'll be short for a while...

4. Arts and Culture

Ok, since I brought up movies, really quickly: culture in the news.  James Bond: England recently issued James Bond stamps to celebrate the centenary of Ian Fleming's birth.  (What's with all the centenaries?) And Ukrainian model Olga Kyrlenko will star in the next Bond film.  Not that I care.  Daniel Craig could just stand there by himself on screen for 2 hours, and I'd pay to see it.  Anyway, Kyrlenko also had a small part (they were all small parts) in "Paris, je t'aime", which I just saw and generally loved, though not for Kyrlenko, who starred in one of the lamer scenarios in the film.  In my opinion.  Back to James Bond.  I've yet to hear a sensible explanation for those ridiculous missile defense shields, but I suspect I have the answer to the question, "Why all this New Cold War mongering of late?"  It's because we love spy stories.  I think we should all fess up to the fact that spy stories make our depressing lives more interesting.  There is no better illustration of this than the fact that ManfromMiddletown  -who lives in possibly the most boring state in the US- has convinced himself that I am a spy.

It's alright, we know you're a Russian spy. And that deep down you harbor the desire to steal little girls dolls, and replace them with those wooden doll things that nest one inside the other.

LOL.  Hm.  If matryoshka dolls are the hallmarks of secret agents, y'all in London have some serious problems on your hands!

Observations: Natalia Vodianova is the most beautiful woman alive.  Also, how much does it suck for Britain to be forced to tolerate this " Russian Winter Festival in London" while Russia's running around closing down the British Council and refusing to extradite Lugovoi?!  Hahaha!  Maybe we like a New Cold War because the Russians are so bloody good at this that watching them is great fun. There should be an Olympics for politics.  But because there is not, we have to invent Cold Wars for the chance to sit back and admire their skill, that product of decades of Soviet discipline...  Oh, and here is a nifty matryoshka doll for all you geeks.

Lastly, I spend a lot of time arguing that America and Russia are more alike than we will ever admit.  But it is also important to acknowledge the ways in which we are different.  For example, in America, the economy fails, and people build cardboard towns in the capital.  It is a cry for help and an illustration of the injustice of poverty.  In Russia, the economy booms, and people build cardboard towns in the capital.  It is art and ... an illustration of surplus building materials?  Two sovereign nations.  Two different cardboard towns.  Who is right and who is wrong?  Don't know.  But I bet Dmitry Orlov would probably have something insightful to say about this!    

5.  Hot Guys and Dictators

Ok, that's about it.  Am I all caught up?  Gah! No!  But I do have that nice empty feeling of relief that comes after a good purge...  

Did I say ... purge?  Well, look at this: President Putin has won yet another honor!  Seriously, folks, he comes in last place on the list of the worst dictators in the world?  I can't even tell if that's good or bad.  Does it mean he is a dictator but is not very good at it?  Or that he's so humane he barely even made the list?  Or were they just regurgitating the CW?  Can't even be bothered to find out how old he is?  But you're sure he one of the world's worst dictators, because you fact check.  Ok...  SFGate suggests that he made the list, "mostly for the weird beauty of his flat, heartless stare."  You know, the one Time Magazine was absolutely freaking out about?  Well, well, it seems Bush is not the only one who thinks he can look into those baby blues and judge the content of Putin's character...

On the topic of steamy hot dictators, is it true that Johnny Depp could play the lead role in a movie about the young Stalin?

Can someone please stop making evil dictators so attractive?  It's becoming increasingly difficult for me to remain a democrat!

Ok, mes amis, thanks for reading and have an absolutely lovely week!  

And don't forget to keep those New Year's Resolutions...  

Reformatted a bit for the FP by Colman