For instance, I can refer to a deadly car accident as a crime, without passing a judgement on the author (who might have had personal reasons for, say, going beyond speed limit and being careless - like a medical emergency). Calling the accident a crime does not make him a criminal, and does not mean I called him that either.

The same way, someone from the morally conservative American rightwing might refer to abortion, in general, as a horrifying, even inhumane act, without that meaning necessarily that he just passed a judgement on women who had abortions. In short, I believe we can make judgements of principle, of an action, without automatically making personal ones.

On the particular topic of abortions, the Catholic church has exactly the same point: condemn the act, help the person having passed through that.

L : "From what I've seen - at different churches, and especially the Catholic church, this often looks different in practice. Simple example: If the act of divorce is judged - why does a Catholic thereafter have no possibility to participate in the Communion anymore"

That is not so much judgement but application of dogma. The person is not judged in the sense that she is not -- "accablée" and even received back upon certain condition, I think.

It's much like, when I would issue some kind of brutal, plain statement :), and no one would tell me it was so; not one criticism, or comment; (I shouldn't be judged or, worse, antagonised).
I would just notice, after a little while, that everybody is little by little getting busy elsewhere, until I am mainly left facing a forest of backs - a bizarre coincidence, to be sure! :)
Of course, I would gladly complain that I am judged without being given a chance to explain that there is a grain of truth. But there's no one to complain to, all backs and closed ears.
What I mean is that I prefer brutal statements (at least they're clear, honest and can be replied to) to endless precautions to not antagonize / to not appear as judging, or 2nd degree talk that is often more insulting than the insensitive plain talk.

And then I'm quite appalled at myself when the author of the aforementioned statements happens to be me...

Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty, we are free at last! (Martin Luther King)

Work/School

I have never WORKED in France. So what I observe from my own experience is slightly different because I talk of people who I don't depend upon, who aren't my supervisors or colleagues.

My school experience has been similar to your work-related experience in that teachers always seek harmony with parents but tend to lack transparency about the child's situation. So, when they decide to approach you with a problem, it means that there really IS a problem. When I as a parent go and ask, they seem to be a little uneasy to begin with - and then seek harmony - claim everything is fine - because it is THEIR responsibility to make sure everything is fine (= the French attitude; in Germany teachers and parents continually blame one another). So, it can happen, that you ask about your child - and everything seems fine - and three weeks later his end-of-trimester grades will reveal that, well, things aren't as good as you thought. ...

Homeschooling - I expected (feared) to be questioned and receive criticism by other parents. This village school is very small after all... - But there hasn't been anything like that. In a way I'm relieved. On the other hand, I can only guess that others may discuss our case amongst themselves. Maybe they don't. What I also see is some kind of indifference. I would be curious and interested... - So, I'm a little disappointed about this lack of interest, too.

Women

I'm always amazed at how much they are in control of their families/husbands. I know no exception. This is very different in Germany, and I guess in Anglo-Saxon countries generally, too.

I believe it is a "Latin" phenomenon. Catholicism wants women `subdued' but somehow they aren't.

* Women have a heightened self-awareness (which is good and bad) whereas there is more of a `serving' attitude - traditionally and stereotypically - in protestant countries. I wonder whether it's correct what I'm postulating here. There has been very much emancipation in A/S countries but women have always been less centred on themselves (comparatively) or more tolerant (not meant in a 68ard permissive sense of the word) towards their partner.  

   * They may even be the `serving' `type' but they won't allow their husbands to go on that business retreat or spend 5 days with a friend to go horseback riding - freedoms that Nordic women are very tolerant about. I for one want to TRUST my husband and am not interested in making major efforts to CONTROL him.

   * We mirror ourselves in others

I believe that we need to be mirrored in others to get to know ourselves better. It is important to get feedback, to receive praise and criticism. We may feel good about what we hear or be hurt. We can feel confirmed in who we are/want to be or see reason for change. If others always put the protection of feelings first, there is less potential for growth.

I believe some of this attitude may be due to Catholicism (again). You withdraw when you have to fear - not only mild criticism - but judgement and condemnation.  

It is interesting that this attitude is difficult for you. You are Greek Orthodox which I perceive as somewhat Catholic, too - but the whole mentality and spirituality of where you come from :) is more colourful and expressive, "chaleureux" than is French bourgeoisie!

    * Ones own openness running against walls

One side of the coin is of course the French person seeking to protect himself. The other side is this same person respecting another one's privacy. If the other one (e.g. you, or M, ...), though, seeks to communicate by opening up, making himself vulnerable in order to MEET the other, learn from the other.... "the other" (French person) will be UNCOMFORTABLE. This is an experience that I have made, too. It's like running against walls. I exaggerate!!! I have both been able to MEET others and also experienced situations when I was confronted with the opposite's discomfort; but I have NEVER experienced this discomfort in this kind of situations in any other place before!

So, how do the French COMMUNICATE? You are right, it all works the Japanese way - through sharing harmony. This allows both sides to open up - but criticism would destroy the harmony. So, you can share "des emotions", feelings, perceptions, agreement but rarely any harsh criticism - that would disturb harmony but would/could eventually lead to change.

This IS difficult.

I believe it's particularly difficult for the non-French, the non-Latin but it also creates problems among the French, notably "mauvaise foi" and hypocrisy, and lameness/lack of dynamic. True, straight talk isn't a priority; harmony is... - But non-Latins can also learn from it, i.e. to care about one another in our souls' vulnerability, individual sensitivities, etc.

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Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty, we are free at last! (Martin Luther King)

There are a lot of things there in your dialogue, and I haven't got time now to go into them. I'll try to come back later.

While the gulf was still there, I think it was a little less of a challenge for me since I had lived for a couple of years in the Caribbean and had already worked out that the real differences in culture lie lurking behind the most obvious ones.


I've been accused of being a Marxist, yet while Harpo's my favourite, it's Groucho I'm always quoting. Odd, that.