by Crazy Horse
Sun Jul 12th, 2009 at 02:55:16 PM EST
Back when Deutschland experienced Das Sommermärchen, the fairy-tale 2006 FIFA World Cup, the Gobal Village Idiot wrote a piece for Der Spiegel (the mirror) on what englisch-speaking tourists would find in German. In the spirit of Mark Twain, who wrote:
"In German, a young lady has no sex, while a turnip has."
Sparked by something Fran posted in the Salon, i give you, through the time tunnel, a cursory understanding of the German language, if you want to call it that.
Unofficial FIFA German Language Class
by Global Village Idiot
You've made it through the Group Rounds, you've survived the first KO round with the help of your Spiegel Survival Guide, and now you're ready for the serious portion of the soccer cup. This week will be the first time there are days off from Fussball, so you can now dive deeper into the joyful German culture. There's one thing still weighing heavily on your experience in Germany... the language. But don't fret, "It's the hammer."
Mastering the language is simple if you follow the Mark Twain rule: "In German, a young lady has no sex, while a turnip has." Gender is simple; the "main train courtyard" is neuter, despite the main being masculine and the train being feminine. At least you'll arrive on time or not.
Most people will ask you "Go you good?" or "How goes you?" and you can answer "It goes me good." Unless you've got Cologne, Dortmund or Gelsenkirchen tickets but your hotel is in the Bergische Land, where they will ask you "Naaah?" and you answer "Yo, it must." But that's because they were "born with rain shields and frog fingers."
So here are a few "donkey bridges" to help you get across the feminine river, except when it's masculine. As long as you don't get "heavy on the wire" you'll be fine. If you want to stay in good graces with your hosts, don't get "on the hunchback" and please, "don't fall with the door in the house." The "In-livers" might want to "give you soon" or "take you around the corner" and that won't be "the hammer." "Shit equal," you're already learning.
Be careful if one of your hosts is "fully next to it," unless you're the President of the United States, and get out of the way when someone tells you "I've got no more Billy Goat!" That probably means he's "at the end of the Snake."
When your friend says "Party Evening" it's not an invitation to drink, it only means he's finished with work. But the Germans will have a Bier just as soon as the whistle blows. Belly up to the bar and ask the Kellner "How stands me a mushroom?" He'll know exactly what you want, a refreshing seven-minute Pilsner with perfect crown, if you can stand the wait. Order another right away, because you "have two legs." Learn to fall down before the others, because you don't want to be "last man standing." Especially if you have "dead pants."
While in the bar using your Survival Guide dating skills, be careful if you meet a nice woman, she might want to "let me press you." Check first to see if "she has a lot of wood before the hut." And remember, there's only one word for horse tail, and Lagerfeld's hair, and penis, so pay attention.
When hunger strikes, forget about the great German delicacies like horse hot dogs and see-through white asparagus, there's always the world-renown "Mirror Eggs." That's a yolk. After all, "fat meat gives fat soup."
Speaking of fat meat, it's not good to make fun of German names. That a key young player for the New York Yankees of Bavaria is named "Pig-climber" is not a reflection on his ancestors' sexual traditions. His National Team's best friend, Prince Poldi, is not really a Prince. He was beloved in Cologne, but now they call him "Bavaria Slut." That a former Chancellor was named "Cabbage Helmet," sometimes translated by Mr. "Long-Separation" as "Rubbish Head Protector" is not a reflection on his legacy, depending on who you talk to.
Germany was once a highly religious society, which is why many still belong to old time Churches like Schalke 04 or Borussia Dortmund or Saint Pauli Girl. But these Churches do not always win proper blessings, as the Devil here is everpresent. So wherever your journey takes you, "Paint not the Devil on the wall," because "the Devil always shits on the same pile." And if you didn't like your "Mirror Eggs," "In an emergency the Devil eats flies."
Speaking of emergencies, don't "not out go" the emergency exit, even though it says not.
See how easy it is? Soon you'll be speaking "one wall free" German. As likely as "let you times five even be." It will take some doing of course, for while many languages have exact use, the German mindset allows "completely exact," which is a bit more exact than other exacts. Oh well, "I make me nothing, you nothing, out of the dust."
What other language has "Danube Ship's Travel Captain's Sleeping Cabin Door Key Beard" as one word? "Exactly, or?"
Don't be shy, tell your hosts if something please you "That's Animal." If you want to express hope that things will go well for a new found friend, just tell him "I wish you what." If it's not "Pig Cold" you'll want to be "Washed with All Waters," and don't we all. "It's the hammer, or?"
(Ed. All quotes are direct translations of common and not so common German phrases. Oder?)
((german speakers are welcome to point out my mistakes, or to translate the phrases back into german, but paint not the devil on the wall.))