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Our very own Brexit Christmas Pantomime

by Frank Schnittger Thu Dec 17th, 2020 at 03:56:51 PM EST

Pantomimes are best enjoyed after some celebratory cheer and in the presence of children who will uncover whole levels of meaning that can pass mere adults by. In the participatory tradition of Pantomime, and in the spirit of Christmas I thought we could compose our own socially distanced Pantomime with a cast of characters drawn from that other Pantomime known as Brexit. Villains abound, and heroes may be hard to find but large dollops of pixy dust and magical thinking can make even the most surreal scenarios believable. Please include your favourite Brexit quotes and characters is the comments below.


For the benefit of our non-anglo-Irish readers,Wiki defines a Pantomime as:

Pantomime (ˈpæntəmaɪm; informally panto)[1] is a type of musical comedy stage production designed for family entertainment. It was developed in England and is performed throughout the United Kingdom, Ireland and (to a lesser extent) in other English-speaking countries, especially during the Christmas and New Year season. Modern pantomime includes songs, gags, slapstick comedy and dancing. It employs gender-crossing actors and combines topical humour with a story more or less based on a well-known fairy tale, fable or folk tale.[2][3] Pantomime is a participatory form of theatre, in which the audience is expected to sing along with certain parts of the music and shout out phrases to the performers.

Wiki defines Panto conventions as follows:

*    The leading male juvenile character (the principal boy) is traditionally played by a young woman in male garments (such as breeches). Her romantic partner is usually the principal girl, a female ingénue.
*    An older woman (the pantomime dame - often the hero's mother) is usually played by a man in drag.[48]
*    Risqué double entendre, often wringing innuendo out of perfectly innocent phrases. This is, in theory, over the heads of the children in the audience and is for the entertainment of the adults.
*    Audience participation, including calls of "He's behind you!" (or "Look behind you!"), and "Oh, yes it is!" and "Oh, no it isn't!" The audience is always encouraged to hiss the villain and "awwwww" the poor victims, such as the rejected dame, who is usually enamoured with one of the male characters.[49]
*    Music may be original but is more likely to combine well-known tunes with re-written lyrics. At least one "audience participation" song is traditional: one half of the audience may be challenged to sing "their" chorus louder than the other half. Children in the audience may even be invited on stage to sing along with members of the cast.
*    The animal, played by an actor in "animal skin" or animal costume. It is often a pantomime horse or cow (though could even be a camel if appropriate to the setting), played by two actors in a single costume, one as the head and front legs, the other as the body and back legs.
*    The good fairy enters from stage right (from the audience's point of view this is on the left) and the villain enters from stage left (right from the point of view of the audience). This convention goes back to the medieval mystery plays, where the right side of the stage symbolised Heaven and the left side symbolised Hell.
*    A slapstick comedy routine may be performed, often a decorating or baking scene, with humour based on throwing messy substances. Until the 20th century, British pantomimes often concluded with a harlequinade, a free-standing entertainment of slapstick. Since then, the slapstick has been incorporated into the main body of the show.
*    In the 19th century, until the 1880s, pantomimes typically included a transformation scene in which a Fairy Queen magically transformed the pantomime characters into the characters of the harlequinade, who then performed the harlequinade.[39][48]
*    The Chorus, who can be considered extras on-stage, and often appear in multiple scenes (but as different characters) and who perform a variety of songs and dances throughout the show. Because of their multiple roles, they may have as much stage-time as the lead characters themselves.
*    At some point during the performance, characters including the Dame and the comic will sit on a bench and sing a cheerful song to forget their fears. The thing they fear, often a ghost, appears behind them, but at first the characters ignore the audience's warnings of danger. The characters soon circle the bench, followed by the ghost, as the audience cries "It's behind you!" One by one, the characters see the ghost and run off, until at last the Dame and the ghost come face to face, whereupon the ghost, frightened by the visage of the Dame, runs away

But as usual we can make it up as we go along... AAArgh... let's take to the comments, me hearties... and feel free to add to the dialogue under the cast of characters below...

Display:
Enter, stage left, Boris the Clown, complaining about the Evil Empire of the Soviet European Union, aka the Fourth Reich, which has been making life miserable for the plucky Britlanders, making them eat straight bananas and banning prawn flavoured crisps...

Index of Frank's Diaries
by Frank Schnittger (mail Frankschnittger at hot male dotty communists) on Thu Dec 17th, 2020 at 04:01:26 PM EST
He is joined by Gove the magician, who, shunning the advice of "experts" - see chorus line- can magically make Britlanders free again by casting off the evil spell that has for 45 long years enveloped the Kingdom. Gove explains that once the hoi polloi take his magicic potion Brexit, they will be able to set the terms of trade with the rest of the world - cue pictures of gunboats shooting up some native settlement.

Index of Frank's Diaries
by Frank Schnittger (mail Frankschnittger at hot male dotty communists) on Thu Dec 17th, 2020 at 04:06:38 PM EST
But the evil EU Sorcerer wearing a pointy hat is up to their tricks, and casts an evil Covid spell on them, threatening all manner of awful consequences if they try to loosen their shackles and break free...

Index of Frank's Diaries
by Frank Schnittger (mail Frankschnittger at hot male dotty communists) on Thu Dec 17th, 2020 at 04:09:14 PM EST
Professor Barnier is the bumbling idiotic professor and sidekick to the Evil Sorcerer, who tries to confuse everyone with logic, and keeps trying to make people sign 9000 page documents no one can read or understand...

Index of Frank's Diaries
by Frank Schnittger (mail Frankschnittger at hot male dotty communists) on Thu Dec 17th, 2020 at 04:11:54 PM EST
The Irish Taoiseach is the useful idiot, who does the sorcerer's bidding even though he is secretly being enslaved by the sorcerer. He would be much better off throwing his lot in with Boris. He keeps wittering on about the Good Friday Agreement and all sorts of Irish bordering on nonsense, but won't leave the stage  even when told by Boris where to go.

Index of Frank's Diaries
by Frank Schnittger (mail Frankschnittger at hot male dotty communists) on Thu Dec 17th, 2020 at 04:15:19 PM EST
The Joker is played by Nigel Farage who loves his pints, is conviviality personified, but talks a load of nonsense which the hoi poloi (watching football) - see second chorus - lap up.

Index of Frank's Diaries
by Frank Schnittger (mail Frankschnittger at hot male dotty communists) on Thu Dec 17th, 2020 at 04:18:05 PM EST
The puppet Master is Arron Banks who pulls the strings animating Farage, and keeps handing out wads of cash to some of the main participants...

Index of Frank's Diaries
by Frank Schnittger (mail Frankschnittger at hot male dotty communists) on Thu Dec 17th, 2020 at 04:21:51 PM EST
Grigori Rasputin is played by Dominic Cummings who masterminds Boris' clever wheeze to beat the evil empire at their own game. He keeps on mumbling phrases like "taking back control" which the chorus seizes on as a sign of great cleverness and wisdom.

Index of Frank's Diaries
by Frank Schnittger (mail Frankschnittger at hot male dotty communists) on Thu Dec 17th, 2020 at 04:25:42 PM EST
The Faery Godmother is played by the Angel Merkel who keeps waving her magic wand in a seemingly meaningful way, but mysteriously fails to come to the rescue of Boris and his dogged band of trusty buccaneers when they are at greatest peril in the NO Deal Sea...

Index of Frank's Diaries
by Frank Schnittger (mail Frankschnittger at hot male dotty communists) on Thu Dec 17th, 2020 at 04:29:16 PM EST
The EU is played by a camel containing several actors who always seem to be trying to go in opposite directions. The only thing they can agree on is that they must drink every watering hole dry, so that there is nothing but parched earth for our heroes staggering through the wilderness looking for the sunny uplands of Nirvana.

Index of Frank's Diaries
by Frank Schnittger (mail Frankschnittger at hot male dotty communists) on Thu Dec 17th, 2020 at 04:32:23 PM EST
The boy hero is a 12 year old narrator trying to make sense of it all and asking silly questions like "Where are the sunny uplands", who will tell the fish to swim only in British waters, and looking for level playing fields to play his favourite games.

Index of Frank's Diaries
by Frank Schnittger (mail Frankschnittger at hot male dotty communists) on Thu Dec 17th, 2020 at 04:41:26 PM EST
Is the haughty Van Der Leyen who presides over proceeding with a cool and detached eye misdirecting Boris and his trusty band of pirates away from the sunny uplands and telling him it's only just another mile over the cliff top... She runs a tight ship telling Boris where to stand and when to take his mask off and put in on again, and generally has him under her spell.

Index of Frank's Diaries
by Frank Schnittger (mail Frankschnittger at hot male dotty communists) on Thu Dec 17th, 2020 at 04:46:20 PM EST
is seen meandering across the stage from time to time, mooing plaintively as she has lost her offspring across the border and doesn't know where her milk is flowing. Tariff and non-tariff barriers are springing up all over the place, and everyone seems to want to inspect her all the time. Meanwhile the grass is always greener on the other side of the hill.

Index of Frank's Diaries
by Frank Schnittger (mail Frankschnittger at hot male dotty communists) on Thu Dec 17th, 2020 at 04:50:36 PM EST
is played by Gavin Williamson who knows that Britain is the BESTEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD and who directs the Royal Navy to sink those nasty pirates trying to steal Britain's fish.

His opening lines are: "There's something rotten in the state of Denmark"

Index of Frank's Diaries

by Frank Schnittger (mail Frankschnittger at hot male dotty communists) on Thu Dec 17th, 2020 at 04:58:50 PM EST
is played by Matt Hancock who knows that Britain has the best scientists IN THE WORLD even though the only approved Covid vaccine has been developed by Turkish scientists working for a German company and Manufactured by an American company in Belgium.

Meanwhile the only BRITISH VACCINE, the Oxford Vaccine, is to be combined with the Russia's Sputnik V Vaccine in an attempt to improve its effectiveness.

But then what did the Russians ever do to help the British anyway - besides leading the way in developing poisons to kill defectors...

Index of Frank's Diaries

by Frank Schnittger (mail Frankschnittger at hot male dotty communists) on Thu Dec 17th, 2020 at 05:07:01 PM EST
The chorus line sing such witty ditties as:

  1. Who needs experts, when you have Gove?
  2. He's got no bananas, straight and long
  3. We're the bestest country in the world - winning World Cups and winning wars
  4. We're taking back control, haha, we are the Oxbridge set
  5. Moo moo moo, where are my calves, and who's closing all the tariff barriers
  6. We're off on our holidays to Blackpool and Brighton...
  7. No fish today, the shoals have gone away, the Frenchmen took the catch, the Brits have lost the match...


Index of Frank's Diaries
by Frank Schnittger (mail Frankschnittger at hot male dotty communists) on Wed Dec 23rd, 2020 at 08:30:01 PM EST


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